Crazy For Lovin' This Life!!

A Whale of a Tale--Part 2

2012-02-05T16:49:00.000-05:00

So the freaky homeschoolers are going out in public.

As a part of the co-op we participate in each family has to commit to at least 2 or 3 service projects during the year. The contract says that if you don't fulfill your obligation, they'll kick you out (or send all of the kids to tp your house as an art project).

I'm actually really looking forward to the project that I'll be a part of this month. We are going out to a local inner city charter-type school and telling Bible stories/making crafts/sharing snacks.

I ended up as a mini-group leader. This really excites me for a couple of reasons.

1. It feeds my need to feel important.
2. I like being in charge. It saves me the energy of finding creative was to nicely tell people that their ideas suck.
3. These inner-city/poverty-ish kids will be like returning to my peeps. Except that they'll be in the second grade.

So anyway, as a quasi group leader I have to decide what Bible story to tell. I'm going with Jonah and the fish (it's really not a whale); pretty much the ultimate Valentine's story---love, running scared, fish guts, redemption, and a continued pissy attitude.

I thought of snacks that might correlate. And then I made a mistake. I went looking for crafts. One of the first "whale crafts" I stumbled upon was this:

Now to some of you that is just a white sock turned into a whale. Even has a cute little spout. Awwww...... To me, who still sees things through eyes that ask the question What-kind-of-inappropriateness-can-this-be-turned-into? I see Moby Dick, the not-whale version. Although 2nd graders should not make this correlation, can't help but wonder if they will. If they do, it will be all down hill.

I will heavily suggest that we should do something with hearts, not whales.

Of course a bad heart valentine can look like well, this:

Perhaps the others will tell me not to leave my house next time.

You Know You're Cheap When...

2012-02-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

you tell the kid in this pic to carefully take the paper off and save it to bring home.

(I told him in a "joking" way, but please know there was a part of me that was dying to stick it in our bathroom!)

Success!!!

2012-01-30T17:18:00.003-05:00

We are a long way from where we started on this homeschool adventure in July. Yes, July. Because I truly want my children to have NO fun ever!!!! Just ask them, they'll tell you that is the truth.

I have doubted myself many, many days. Not the "lay in bed and doubt" that I hear a lot of homeschool moms in my circle talk about. I have the advantage of having done the public ed teacher worry for a decade. I know that really good "real" teachers worry about the demands of a "real" classroom. I know that the system is not perfect and so I learned to cut myself a little slack early on. I also have more important things to do in my bed like watch tv, sleep, and McGuyver.

I have wondered sometimes if I am going to be able to do this. Am I going to be able to teach them enough and do a good job at all of it? The answer is probably NO; but then I remember that even in a "real" school there is no guarantee that they will have even a certified teacher who is worth a damn, so I feel better almost instantly.

But this week I have seen success. Tangible evidence that this thing is moving forward.

Pinky is able to dress her own Barbies most of the time, pump her legs on the swing, AND she is starting to read. It's not finding the cure for cancer, but that Barbie thing is pretty close!

BB's writing is improving and even more importantly he has found a giant measure of self-confidence. He was the classic well-behaved-kid-sent-to-the-back-of-the-class and has some deficits that I continue to address.

Red is well, Red. He is probably making the least gains of any of them, but he was pretty stinkin' far ahead to begin with. With him, the struggle is to get through his thick skull that doing less than your best doesn't cut it at home.

Some days I do want to pull my hair out, but going bald in my jammies and being able to pee whenever I want to sure beats wanting to pull my hair out over 150 kids who aren't mine and having to do the pee-pee dance until the end of 3rd block.

Craving

2012-01-30T15:20:00.001-05:00

My world got rocked a little bit today. It was one of those things that you don't realize how much you want, until you realize that it is not yours. At least not for now.

Days like this I crave easy and sweet, but I find myself knee deep in the muck of life instead. And while the smart part of me realizes that a good life is a messy one; that big risks can mean both big rewards and big disappointments, the part of me that is about 6 years old wants to stomp her foot, stick out her lip and not give a crap about how to turn a couple of cups of flour, a pat of butter, and a chicken into dinner for the masses.

But here's what I know about cravings...cave early and you're not as satisfied. Wait and wait and wait and whatever it is, tastes better than you'd been imagining.

So. I wait. We wait. We model smart, not stupid and petulant for our kids. And I trust that one day, it is going to be more than I ever dreamed it would be.

The Problem With Weddings

2012-01-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

According to BB, the problem with weddings is that

1. You have to wear a tuxedo,

2. The food is not that good,

and

3. All the band knows is "Muscrat Love"

(Yes, this kid is warped. Yes, I like it that way.)

My Life, The Application

2012-01-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

So we are starting this different thing, or at least starting to try it. Teasing up our dreams like a girl with a can of Aqua Net and a comb circa 1989.

Our dreams may involve some other people. Think a commune combined with some sister wives. Or really nothing like that. But it is a jumping off point for your imagination.

So as we are trying to figure out who we can live with/share dreams with/bare our souls to we feed each other pertinent bits of information. And I walk away from these times thinking, we could so do life with these people and then I forget that I didn't tell them X, Y, or Z about myself and surely that bit of information will be what keeps them from parking our camels together.

So here is all of the really important stuff about me that would appear on an application, ya know, if the next phase of my life was a job interview.

1. I love lists. They help me think.
2. I have tatoos. I would get more. That may just make Jesus love me a little bit more.
3. I can go without makeup, but I'll shave my legs on my death bed.
4. I don't spank my kids. And I can't help but be a little bit judgy of you if that option is in in the top 5 of your parenting skills that you rely on daily.
5. I like to cuss. And I don't just mean a good "damn" every now and then. Some days just require more color.
6. Speaking of color, don't evah use the "n" word around me. It would be strange to say that I love black/pink/purple/plaid people, because I don't know all of those people. But when I love people, I don't look at their outsides, just their guts. And I spent the first decade of my life praying to be a Cosby kid.
7. Really long fingernails freak me out. Think of the bacteria!
8. Real men don't opt for a margarita first. They like beer, or liquor and not some namby pamby "12 year old scotch". I'm not interested in a sugar daddy, I want a cowboy. I'm also sightly in awe of a dude who chooses water or tea and never "needs" a cold one. I've heard dudes like this exist, but never really known one.
9. I like a glass of wine every now and then. If you don't, that's cool, but I guarantee you that Jesus doesn't love one of us more or less based on the consumption of rancid fruit.
10. I live with insecurity. But I'm figuring out that you do to, so let's all just chill.
11. I would not choose to live in a world without coffee.
12. I love dogs. But not birds. I want to like horses, but they scare me.
13. I like the wide open, not the woods.
14. I like a nice tub, not the ocean or a lake.
15. Don't lie to me. Evah. I can handle the truth.

A Spork in the Road

2012-01-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

I'm in the middle of a life change. I'm keeping McGuyver, my dreamy husband. I'm keeping my kids, Red (aka Shadow), Brownie Bite (aka Dan), and Pinky (aka Shadow's Minion). I'm even keeping the damn trampoline eating dog. But that's about it.

And people are freaking out. People are clucking their tongues (yes, research is proven that you can be younger than 80 and cluck your tongue in dissaproval). People are whispering behind our backs. And people who share DNA with us are out right telling us that we're lunatics.

Turns out that people only talk about a fork in the road. What they really want is a spork. They want something that looks a little different than the spoon they've been suckling on their entire lives, but inreality they want life to keep working the same way. And they doubt anyone who is ready to do something different.

This really isn't a post about anger. And I know I'm sounding snarky. I don't mean to be. Maybe I'm a little freaked out too.

But despite how freaked out I am, I will not use the spork!

I will seek this totally different thing, because, as crazy as it is, I really believe it is what is next for us. I always jab myself with those stupid sporks anyway.

Nom Noms--2 Week menu

2012-01-20T14:39:00.003-05:00

Some of you asked, and not just in my head, for me to do this on a regular basis. Here you go (freaks!):

Remember breakfast and lunch--do 4 or 5 standard, cheap, easy things over and over again (or just have coffee, that's what normal people do)

1--eggs, biscuits, country ham, sweet potato home fries
2--Using the "Fund" for take out; the kids will be at baby sitter's club and we are sending a giant tub o' ice cream
3--lunch: crock pot BBQ chicken, mashed sweet potatoes, green beans; dinner: at family birthday dinner; we are taking salad and bread for 10
4--chicken terriyaki subs w/ green peppers, onions, and pineapple, broccoli, applesauce
5--ham rolls, cheesy rice, peas, corn
6--baked beans, stewed apples, cornbread, jello (and mom will be a hero for 34 seconds because jello rules for the under 12 crowd!)
7--fresh fruit, stromboli (1 cheese, 1 bacon, mushrooms, spinach)
8--ham, home fries, brussell sprouts, peaches
9--lunch: turkey casserole, rice, green beans dinner: don't mess with mom, find something to eat or give fasting a try
10--golden mushroom patties (venison), pasta, broccoli with cheese, peas
11--grilled flank steak, mushrooms, creamed corn (not from a can), sweet potato home fries*
12--homemade pizza

We'll have leftovers at least twice and I'll listen to my kids complain an average of 7.2 times per day. I remind them that we should "Eat to live, not live to eat: and that if we get rid of cable they can have more cereal. (shuts 'em up every time).

For the meals themselves, I've budgeted $73.50 at a combo of Harris Teeter, Sam's, Aldi, and Food Lion (and $5 for coffee at Target). I've budgeted another $29 at these various stores for those breakfast/dog food/misc kind of things. I'm aiming to spend only $65 each week, for $130 total this budget cycle. This is not easy and I long to be able to go put things aimlessly in my cart, but it is about living sacrificially and using our money on things that really matter. You can do it (and if you don't want to, feel free to chuck a mega roll of toilet paper on my front porch b/c I keep threatening that I'm getting ready to cut that stuff out of the budget).

*For those of you who are wondering, we don't love sweet potatoes BUT we have a very sweet and generous friend who buys literally 600 pounds of sweet potatoes for himself every fall and gifts us with many. I can't stand to waste a thing (except for kimchi...that stuff is just nasty)

International Thrift (aka Cheap Dessert/Lunch)

2012-01-14T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dessert for 5/ Lunch for 4 for about 40 cents TOTAL.....

That's right, this dessert breaks down to about 8 cents per person...and my family is worth every penny! (Because hopefully if I feed them this cheaply on a regular basis I can resume my love affair with Target)

I bought burrito size tortillas last week when they were BOGO. Normally $2.89, BOGO price $1.45. This recipe will use 2 tortillas, so the cost is 36 cents. The other stuff will either be standard ingredients I have on hand or leftovers I am cleaning out, so those don't enter into the cost.

"Mexican Biscotti" Dessert Ingredients:
2 burrito size tortillas, cut into strips (not wedges, b/c you'll get fewer and making them walk away feeling like they got to gorge themselves is half the battle!)
Oil/Shortening Enough to create a little bit of love juice in a skillet; I won't tell Jillian Michaels you have it, go ahead, put it in the pan
Cinnamon/Sugar mix

Fry the burrito strips, turning once or twice (or twelve times each if you are a little OCD like me) until golden brown. Let them pretend to sunbathe on a papertowel lined plate when they are done in the pan. While there is still some glistening love juice (oil) on them, sprinkle them with cinnamon sugar. Repeat until done with all strips. Ta-da...mexican biscotti.

How could you turn this into lunch?
Easy...instead of just serving them with the cinnamon sugar sprinkles give each kid a couple of plops on their plate to scoop up using the biscotti as a spoon. I may omit the cinnamon sugar if I did this. Scoop ideas: cottage cheese, hummus, canned fruit, applesauce, peanut butter, marshmallow fluff, (use the PB or fluff as glue to add raisins or other dried fruit), yogurt, salsa, cheese dip, etc... you get the idea.

Budget stretching tip: Dessert is not an every night thing. We are on a Tuesday, Thursday, Once-on-the-weekend rotation. Dessert can be uber simple as in "bowl of cereal", scoop of icecrea, something like this or something more special.

A Trip

2012-01-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

My Dad called the other day and offered me a trip. A trip to anywhere in the world.
Some of you may be super excited and already know exactly where you would go. I was literally clutching my stomach as he told me.

This is a really sweet, very genrous offer. I think he really wants to spend time with us kids and do something really cool.

I hear the my step-brother is choosing to head to Scotland to golf with my dad.

My little brother...who knows. His wife is preggo. And my little bro, God love him, is still in his "angry phase". Who knows what he will pick.

Me.....This freaks me out. I hate to travel. I don't have a passport. I don't like to fly. My Dad has already offered drugs for this. I might need the drugs just to make this decision!

Here are the parameters given to me:
1. I can pick anywhere in the world. Literally. Fiji. Alaska. Thailand. Slovakia. Ireland. That place in Africa where they click their tounges to talk.

2. Depending on the cost of the trip, it may include just me, dad, and his wife; or us plus McGuyver; or us plus McGuyver, plus the kids. He said Phoebe, the dog (whom he calls Penelope) can't come.

I have decided that I will not bring up the trip to my dad. I'll wait for him to bring it up to me.

But I'm leaning toward this being my offer back:

This is really, crazy generous. I love you for it (but I have enough self-preservation instinct to not travel outside of the country with you and the wife!).
Instead of a crazy trip, here is what I'd like instead:

1. Money for land. And for you (dad) to come visit us and stay in our house at least once per year for the next 5 years. I'll even send McGuyver out for scotch. And I'll make sure I have lots of potato chips. I'll make sure I have batteries in the remote and just quielty send the kids out of the room instead of making you change the channel when something is on that you forget children shouldn't watch.

2. Won't consider the land? How about boobs? I didn't get them for my birthday (I guess Target was out of nude colored 36Cs) and I'm pretty sure that they would be life changing. Like the trip, they are something I will never be able to do for myself and there will be drugs involved. They'll even look like mountains for awhile, so I could say I went to the Alps.

3. No to boobs? You're such a buzz kill. Okay...how about taking me and my entire brood to Virginia. I want them to see the places that we have studied about this year...Jamestown, then Williamsburg. I'd like to see Mt. Vernon and while we're there, head over to Charlottesville and show them Tommy's place, Monticello. I'd like to do this all by car. I'd like to not be away from my home and my dog and my toilet that understands me and my routine for no more than 3 nights.

If you had an offer like this, where would you choose and why?

Grocery Nazi

2012-01-07T15:41:00.004-05:00

Several months ago I went a little nutso on FB about people who CHOOSE to live a lifestyle that is dependent on social aid. I shared that our family food budget is $60/week for our family of 5 plus dog. I will say that $60/week is HARD; I decided to live luxuriously several months ago and upped it to $70.

A few of you (ok, ONE of you) asked me how I do this.

The answer is very carefully.

Someone told me that they didn't think I did this when I was working for money. Yes, even in my Pretty Woman days, I did this. Our budget was higher (still no more than $100/week), but I was still very careful.

Living like this is a HUGE sacrifice for me (doesn't affect the other family as much). I don't say that to be whiney, but just to let you know...this is a choice, just like living on welfare is a choice. I would say that one is good and the other is bad. Neither is an accident.

Step 1: I make a menu plan for 2 weeks (how often the hubs gets paid and our budget resets). I don't necessarily worry about what we have or don't have on hand. I make note of days that will be different than normal (someone's birthday, McG not her for dinner, supper club night, etc...)

Step 2: I go through and figure out what I do have that will be necessary to pull off my desired menu plan. If I need everytihng on the menus, that will not work...$70 doesn't cover everything. I get creative as necessary. I also keep in mind the non-negotiables/standard items that I have to restock on every budget cycle.

Step 3: I look on Wednesday to see what is on sale or Buy One Get One Free (BOGO). Often I will tweak my two week menu to take advantage of these sale prices and get more bang for my buck.

Here is my dinner menu plan for this two week cycle:
Mon: stuffed chicken, carrots, rice, fruit cocktail, raid fridge for leftover veggies
Tues: meatloaf/burgers (left over from the last cycle), sweet potato fries, cooked apples
Wed: Leftovers (Wed is a standard leftover night; Our church does do dinner, but that would be an additional $80/month...for $76/month we sponsor 2 kids through Compassion International...we'll choose leftovers)
Thurs: snap peas, whole chicken (I'll use the broth plus a cup of leftover Thai chicken in freezer to make a soup for later), rice, dessert
Fri: homemade pizza (cheese; spinach/bacon/mushroom)
Sat: lunch--snadwhiches, leftovers; dinner--western potatoes, scrambled eggs, cornbread
Sun: Lunch--Spaghetti, salad, corn; Dinner--beans, rice, cornbread (or bum dinner by conveniently dropping in at McG's parent's house)
Mon: peaches, Basil Caesar salmon and chicken, peas, wild rice
Tues: (my birthday so I get to pick whatever I want) burgandy mushrooms, baked potatoes, salad, chicken nuggets (b/c it's my birthday and I don't want to hear the heathens whine about burgandy mushrooms); cake
Wed: Leftovers
Thursday: grilled chicken, spinach/sun dried tomato pasta, whatever leftover fruit/veggies the kids will eat; dessert
Friday: spaghetti (left over)
Saturday: leftovers
Sunday: Ham, mashed potatos, broccoli

I spent $31 at Sam's, $35 at Harris Teeter, $30 at Aldi (that leaves me enough to be coffee, fresh fruit and whatever is on a super sale next week). I did not have to buy much meat this go 'round b/c we had a friend kill a deer and we paid to have it processed. I bought the ham on sale with leftover money from a previous cycle and had it in the freezer, and I bought frozen chicken breasts previously and still have some left. My goal is to never actually spend the full amount on this cycle, so that I can be stocking away for the next one. The grocery budget also includes dog food, trash bags, dish liquid, etc.... If it is a cycle where I need all of those things, plus real food, then we're screwed. It happens, and we deal.

I cut corners A LOT.....for instance I hardly ever serve a whole chicken breasts. If I can't have big boobs, you can't either. I'll cut them in half. In a pasta dish, I'll cut up two and end up with enough for a meal and then some leftovers later on.

You don't see breakfasts on here. I buy ONE box of cereal per cycle. Every other cycle I will be one box of poptarts. I make my own bread, pizza dough, chips, fries, etc... McG eats a lot of grits and eggs and sausage for breakfast. For lunch the standard is sandwhiches, homemade pizza, quesedillas and smoothies.

If I get money for birthdays, Christmas etc...I almost always use some or all of it for stocking up. Same if McG ever gets a bonus or the very rare case of overtime. I guess technically that means that I spend more than $70/week, but I gonna keep on counting it.

You don't see beer/wine on here. McG works a second job for our "F-it Fund" (you can think that means Fughettaboutit). This money is not included in our regular budget, so if the job ever goes away or we need for him to stop working it, it will not be a major adjustment. This is the fund from which we buy the occasional 6 pack or bottle of wine. This is also the fund from which we may eat out once a month. This is also the money that McG uses if he wants to eat out for lunch.

You can do this. If you want to live more frugally so that you can have more money available or get out of debt YOU CAN DO THIS. (and if you are on food stamps or WIC or something like that and are choosing to use that as a lifestyle choice, for the love of Target please don't post pictures online with your big tv and nice house in the background anymore!!!)

Birthday Wishes

2012-01-05T16:13:00.000-05:00

So my birthday is coming up. And that really excites me. Not about stuff, just the birthday itself.

I've pretty much got this thing down to a science--my family accepts the fact that I want to be a birthday hermit, just send cake into the cave and come back in 24 hours, no presents required.

But, if I were a shallow, greedy, self-serving person (which I am only on birthdays, Thursdays, Leap Day, and the third Wednesday of each month) then I would distribute my birthday list to all of you.

1. World Peace.....NOT....this is not a pageant, it's my gimme list!!

....ahem....

1. New Boobs. I'll even go with new-to-me. I'm not sure how that would work. Probably better than my mother's genius idea to save the planet by receycling tampons and pads. (Don't screw this up; I'd like a 36 C in nude, cause they go with everything)

2. Several Books, Kisses from Katie, The Backyard Homestead and Raising Goats

3. I would like a well-working pause button. I will use this on my birthday night to pause the world so I can enjoy a pizza from the mall, in my pjs completely guilt- free.

4. I would like a full bath added to this house (assuming you aren't going with #5)

5. If you are feeling really generous I would like a 10-20 acre plot of land, complete with a barn (you can pick the color), a 4 bedroom home (mobile or manufactured), a fresh water source, and no weirdos knocking on my door to share my space (foster children and the non-weird allowed).

6. I would like the gift of inablitity. I would like to be inable to put my foot in my mouth for one full calendar year. After said year, I'll gladly go back to (unintentionally) saying socially obtuse things.

Since the chances are "slim" and "none" on my list I think I'll just settle for having everything I've already got. Most days it makes me stinkin' happy anyway!!

I'm Awful (a list)

2012-01-02T20:24:00.003-05:00

1. Sometimes I look at the maternity sessions on photography blogs and am agast at how ugly people are procreating. Yuck. Sometimes all you can say is, "Yup. It's a baby."

2. I get a sense of satisfaction when people I don't like get fat or fatter.

3. I try not to worry that my hands are starting to look old. I am convinced that if I pretend not to care, age won't brutally attack any other part of my body for awhile.

4. Often I leave my unfinished wine in the glass on the counter (for the next night). Several times in the last week I have nearly glugged it back while scrambling eggs the next morning. This would not be an advisible habbit to start.

5. I rarely do anything that another living person tells me to do. It just ticks me off to be "bossed". (That sounds like I am up for entertaining the commands of the dead!)

Suggestions/Resolutions

2011-12-31T17:31:00.002-05:00

I normally prefer to make New Year's Suggestions, being that "resolutions" sound so....firm. But, given the state of my thighs lately, I should be latching on to anything firm that I can find, so here goes:

**Finish Foster Care/Adoption paperwork and have it mailed no later than March 1.

**Be able to run faster than the slowest person for long enough to outrun the serial killer. I figure this probably equates to being able to run 5 miles without stopping, dying, or puking in less time than it would take the pizza guy to get to my house.

**Make and average of 12 pieces of jewelry per week.

**Drink more water. Preferably before 3 p.m. so I am not up all night peeing.

**Do something special with each kid at least once a month. (This probably doesn't sound like a lot, but I like low expectations. AND I'm with my kids all day long and as much as I love them, I'm not always liking them by the end of the day)

**Make and effort to be on the computer less when McGuyver is around.

**Memorize more of the Bible and read it through completely again.

Meow

2011-12-30T21:05:00.000-05:00

Meow....Meow.....MEOW

I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag. There are more big changes afloat at the Hatter house. BIG. GINORMOUS.

Someone asked me the other day how all of these changes started. And I had to shut up and pause. The most eloquent answer I could come up with was, "I don't really know."

So the big news is we plan to start a farm. A goat farm.

The WHY may be easier to answer than the HOW or WHEN, so I'll take easy questions first.

Why are you planning to start a goat farm?Can I give you the easy answer and say "God". How about the sarcastic answer that llamas scare me and I have enough gas on my property now with just the boys, cow farts would send me over the edge!

This is a crazy, crazy thing.

What would make it less crazy is if things weren't "just happening" that are making it possible, as in, the next year or so.

Biggest Loser

2011-12-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

My 30s are rocking.

I have a birthday in a few weeks and I really can't wait to be another year older. And not just because it will help justify the reason for daily "sparkles" being added to my hair!

One of the things that I am loving about getting older is that I am learning so much about myself. Maybe with age you just have the balls to say, "Yeah, this is me. So what?" or even more challenging, "Yuck, this is me. Time to change it."

One of the things that has most surprised me about myself is that I am fiercely competitive. Did I mention FIERCELY???? I really, never, ever knew that about myself.

I don't even do well in games with children. I will not let you win at Candy Land, I don't care if you are two years old or color blind! If I'm in it, I'm going to want to win it.

So....
Last night at Christmas Dinner Part 27 we somehow got on the subject of weight loss. And in a surprising twist, a couple of us decided to do something about it instead of just griping about it.

Now for those of you who are going to say something about me not needing to lose weight, I'm not going to argue. I am at a healthy weight, BUT I am not healthy. I don't do any cardio consistently. And strength training is hit or miss, mostly miss, due to my carpal tunnel. My weight is also at the top end of the "healthy" range and I don't want to always dread getting on the scale. I'd like to be at the bottom end of the healthy range.

So b/w me, McGuyver, and various inlaws we have set up a weight loss challenge. Highest percentage lost wins 10 bucks from the rest.

My hubby was talking about his goal weight. I have never seen him at that weight. He reminded me that I did know of him in high school and I reminded him that like I said, I have never SEEN him at that weight. And a light bulb went off in his head. And I may have thrown in a little more than the promise of $10 to see how this turns out!

Unwrapped

2011-12-26T20:45:00.002-05:00

So we're done with Christmas. Another year. A better year.

I can't help feeling that something is missing though.

I am more content with my life than I have ever been. Truly. Truly. Truly.

But something is missing.

It's like the present that my Grandmomma always forgot. Sometimes minutes, more often hours, and occassionally weeks after the gift opening session ended she would remember a gift for someone that never made it under the tree.

I feel like my heart is searching for that gift. Searching for the something missing.

I think my heart is longing for the future. Not that I am rushing through the present; not rushing through this gift I'm given each moment, but searching, downright yearning for what is to come.

I wonder what Christmas will be like next year.

In this house? On our farm? With just our three kids? With more? How many people will we have learned to love between now and next December? How many people will we have lost between now and then?

I am excited. I am jealous for the time when I know. I am content to learn in the waiting.

The Code

2011-12-15T21:07:00.002-05:00

If you know me well, you know that I have certain "issues".

You know that in my mind, there are certain things in life that must be done certain ways. I can let toilet paper be from the top or underneath. I can squeeze the toothpaste tube without regard to top or middle or bottom. I can load the dishwasher any way as long as it closes.

But some things have a very definite set of procedures. For instance, how to go to the bathroom while travelling.
http://crazymadhatlady.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-was-almost-killedin-rest-stop.html

I also have a code with regard to using the rest room while running around town. It is very simple: DON'T GO!

Now being that I am not too far out of the potty training stages, this has not always been a reality. I know the where the rest rooms are in almost any place in our town. I also remind my kids all of the time to GO BEFORE WE LEAVE SO YOU DON'T GO THERE!

A lot of this has to do with germ issues. Public restrooms = ewwww

But you know, there are other reasons.

And if you have to go, it better be something you can do quickly.

Two of my children have broken THE (don't poop anywhere but home) CODE this week.

I actually left a restaurant we had lunch at this week and midway to the parking lot realized I didn't have all of my children. (Have more than two, this will happen to you too). I sent McG in to check on him because it dawned on me that he had asked to go to the bathroom at least 5 minutes before. I get a text from McG that he is shall we say, thoroughly using the rest room. And this is my kid who likes to lounge, take his time, enjoy the go. We must have waited another 10 minutes. This was repeated a few days later.

Tonight we are at a family function at our church/homeschool group. Pinky has to poo. And this can't be quick. And part of me was dying and the other part was laughing at me dying.

Let's just say that for the most part, my children share very few of my hang ups.

Checking Boxes

2011-12-14T21:15:00.002-05:00

I'm about to sit down and start on the "my" and "our" sections of our foster care/adoption packets.

We have about 3 pages of boxes to check about what kind of behaviors we are willing to accept in children (i.e. who are we willing to say yes to; and who doesn't get in our door)

Will we take and alchoholic?.....infant, yes; 2 year old-probably not--toddlers are awful enough sober

Will we take a kid with sickle cell? yes; A kid with HIV? maybe??? A kid with ADHD? sure

Will we take a kid who has a generational tendency to commit mayhem? more than likely (that just means that at some point one/both of their parents have been arrested, etc...)

Will we take a kid who wants to skin the neighbor's cat? No (even though McG is ready for the cat to go)

None of it is funny, but you know that is how I roll. I have to live in this happy place. Not some sort of sacchrine existence, but finding the bright side. I read a book by a lady who survived a Nazi camp. She said prayers of thanksgiving for the lice she was infested with because it kept the guards away from her. I'm kind of like her, I guess, naming the lice.

I look at this checklist and realize that it represents tangible evil. I'm a combination of emotions. I AM super excited. I AM more than a little wary. I AM already mourning my upcoming lack of sleep. And I do still wonder sometimes, "Why this?". Why not this??? is the answer back.

If we don't take the hyperactive, alchoholic, sickle cell, jail orphaned child, then who?

*****Something funny to end. We had our first training class recently. At one point the trainer shares "real life"* bios from kids. One of the little kids with a medical condition wanted to be adopted by a family with a mom, a dad, a brother and a cat. The trainer then asks what is the biggest problem that little kid comes with? McG and at least one other dad shout out THE CAT. The trainer didn't want to laugh, but she had to.

*So I'm going to have to be all secret squirrel with any real foster care info; I know a thing or twelve about shame and am willing to fiercely protect the privacy of any little dudes we have. From here on out, just assume that all names/dates/stories/etc...have been changed to protect the guilty/innocent/us/etc.... Because they will be.*

Christmas Card Confession

2011-12-09T20:13:00.003-05:00

I need a Martha Stewart Christmas. Last year, when I was ready to jab a pencil in my ear or start drinking at work, I could just envision what this Christmas would be like. I clung to that. Maybe in validation of making the right decision, I need to have the kind of Christmas that I promised myself I would.

I need perfect cookies. I need a Christmas card. I need more glitter.

Okay....none of those are really needs; but look at these cute little gingerbread babies that I made.

They are a start.

But now I need to confess; the whole Christmas card thing boggles my mind. I sent people pictures of my family even though it felt akward. And now I have all of their pictures. Okay....people in my town and family--I see your kids, just like you see mine often. Please know I enjoy the decorations for a few weeks, but then your sweet little angel is going to end up in the trash covered in coffee grounds. It's okay, you can trash mine too.

Rocky

2011-12-01T12:29:00.003-05:00

Just go ahead and rename me Rocky, 'cuz I'm a fighter.

And I wish I meant in a good way.

The last few days I have found myself fighting. Hard.

Fighting against what I know that I am supposed to be doing right now.

Fighting against loving in the way that I am supposed to be loving right now.

Fighting against giving all of me.

I know I lose in the end. And I know that everything that I lose, will end up in greater gain.

Christians are called to be slaves of Christ. I think I am beginning to see what that means. And I know that I am in too deep to turn back now.

I think that I have been hearing that still voice ask me again and again in the last few weeks, "Will you do this?"; "Will you go here?"; "Will you love as I have loved?". I am ashamed that I have been fighting to say no. I am fighting against doing what I have been preaching.

In the New Testament, as early followers started to desert Jesus, he asks the 12 who remain, "Are you guys going to leave too?"....Simon Peter replies, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life..."

I know I say "I will" but the lunatic in me still wants to go a few more rounds.

Recycling

2011-11-27T21:31:00.003-05:00

As much as I want to think that I am a one-of-a-kind original, I guess I like to recylce as much as the next person. Not like a tree hugger kind of thing (although that is perfectly groovy and my little bin is full and at the curb every week), but in a I want to pass on something cool or meaningful way.

Clearly, in a sea of humanity striving for originality, this kind of receycling is fully accepted (ever heard of pinterest????). Accepted by all, except by my children.

I keep trying to get my kids to connect with things that were meaningful from my childhood. Happy places to share.

Television seems like a likely place to start. Wouldn't my generation be the first one really babysat by the television?

I tried to get them to like the Smurfs, before that ridonkulous remake last summer.

I tried to get them to like The Muppets, before the flat redo this fall.

I tried to get them to like the Snorks, but those are only found on Bommerang and we don't have that channel.

The Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite are far more strange/horrible/cheesy then I remembered.

And apparently I am the only American who remembers The Wuzzles. And I spent many Saturday mornings in my purple Wuzzle sleeping bag, so I know they are real!!!

But yesterday I hit pay dirt.

I found a tshirt on sale for less than $3 at Target.

My kids were doubtful at first, but after finding Voltron on netflix they are completely enamored and I am one rockin' mom!!!

Score. Anybody got any Voltron stuff in their garage they want to sell me?

Thankful: People

2011-11-23T19:49:00.003-05:00

I'm thankful for my family. But I really want to express gratitude for my in-laws.

Lawd ha' mercy, they have driven me crazy plenty. And I know they will continue to do so better than a long distance trucker. In fact there will probably be a blog post in about 4 weeks about how once again, their version of Christmas and what we want for our kids' experience of Christmas to be are polar opposites. Thelma will probably hear me cuss at least once over Christmas Break about just this thing, but at the heart of it, they are good people.

They are generous.
They are hospitable.
They love my children like crazy.
They are normally too genteel to tell us when they think we are nuts.

Tomorrow, the official day of Thanksgiving, will be spent at their house. Ironically, many of my family will be there too. For many Thanksgivings my M-I-L has set extra places for misfits, ragamuffins, lonely friends and co-workers, and adopted-for-now-children that we have brought to the table.

I'm also thankful that this year I will not be brining any vegetarians whom I have to shield from a southerner's version of vegetarianism. Years past have included conversations like this one in the buffet line:
"There's not meat in that."
"Did you cook it with fat back?"
"Well, yeah."
" Then there's meat in that".
"Well, there's no meat in the turkey, it's just turkey."
"Um...that would be meat."
"Well how about rice. Don't Asian people like rice?" (as she scoops rice onto plate.....) "That's going to taste real good; I cooked it with some ham juice in it."

Did I mention that my inlaws are unintentionally hysterical too?

The Queen's Throne

2011-11-22T15:45:00.002-05:00

Today I found myself in the bathroom sitting on the toilet (lid down) eating pie.

I realize that some may equate this to a junky eating out of a trashcan or searching anywhere for drugs or booze. I think that might be too drastic of a comparison.

I was just hiding in the bathroom, eating pie. A combination of wanting to set a good example (by NOT letting my children see me eating pie at a non-dessert moment) and really, really, really not wanting to share with them a speck of pie at dessert time.

I don't think I need an intervention, I think I just need more pie!!!!!

Thankful: A Picture

2011-11-19T21:00:00.003-05:00

I could be thankful for the picture alone.

But the for the kid who drew it? I'm thankful to the farthest Target away and back times infinity.

My little Brownie Bite, who decide with his very recent 9th birthday, that I should no longer call him "baby". I have agreed and now call him "the kid who I can't call my baby anymore, c'mere". He secretly loves it.

He is my gentle giant. My kid with the sweetest default setting. The biggest natural goofball my womb gas ever produced. I don't have favorites, I really don't. But this kid is so easy to love, you just can't help it.

Thankful: A List

2011-11-17T22:09:00.002-05:00

I am thankful for many, many things, like:

1. The year that I was Catholic. I know there are flaws with the system, but Ave Maria gets me every time and there can be something beatiful in the rituals.

2. Thongs. I don't understand how people wear "real" underwear, it is just not comfortable.

3. Itty Bitty Diapers. Seeing them takes me back to having itty bitty babies, but without all of depression and leaky boobs.

4. Honey.

5. More than enough. I have more than enough of everything that I have. Admittedly, some days I have a little pity party because I want more, but I have an abundance of everything that matters.

6. My perspective. I am thankful more and more everyday for every single scab, scrape and scar that I carry within myself.

7. Having friendships that require little maintenance. I would love to hang out with a few super cool people way more than I get to, but being able to pick up where we left off---days, weeks, months, or years ago--is a gift.

8. My husband. I'll spare you the details and specifics.

9. The internet. For all of its devilshness, it can be used for some really good things.

Recessive Genes

2011-11-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

I think Pinky's peronality is the result of several very recessive genes coming together. I must have some recessive princess gene that combined with McG's "all about me" recessive gene.

I am confident that with gentle pruning, prodding, shaping and guiding she is going to turn into a fabulous grown up one day.

Today though, as she walks through the house sounding like Elizabeth Taylor did in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" I have some very grave concerns.

For those of you not on FB, our recent family picture speaks volumes about her personality. And what I am up against every single day.

My Husband Has a Big

2011-11-08T13:29:00.003-05:00

heart.
What did you think I was going to say????

MacGuyver will tell you that I'm wonderful. That is a mostly unsolicited (and untrue) endorsement. I'm not wonderful. I'm agreeable. I'm funny. I'm resourceful. I'm incredibly forgiving. I'm a little gullible. But I am not wonderful.

Especially when it comes to my kids. Or rather, people who may try to hurt my children.

Like punky little #71*. It took everything in me not to body slam him and his non-parenting father at a flag football game last week. (Maybe I should take incredibly forgiving off of the list???) Flag Football. You know, limited contact, etc.. and so on. So when #71 got his feelings hurt as Red's team was playing an awesome game and his team was losing things went badly. #71 started pulling shirts, cussing, etc.... And non-parenting Dad does nothing.

McGuyver told his team to play well, despite what others were doing. To be good sports, to not gloat, all really good stuff. While I am ready to body slam this #71 if he so much as comes near my kid.

My husband has a big heart. And sets good examples for my kids. And other people's kids. And other kids' fathers. And a not-so-wonderful wife/mother.

It's probably a good thing that I wasn't at the most recent game when Red got popped in the eye. Apparently there was no malice or unsportsmanlike conduct, just a good ol' shiner. They were not playing #71's team, obviously.

And my kid didn't whine or complain, just got back in the game. He gets that from both of us--big tenacity. Being completely enamored with the black eye this morning and looking in the mirror every 5 minutes he gets from me (big vanity).

*numbers have been changed to protect the identity of snot-nosed children

Bigger Branches

2011-11-03T18:50:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: If you are looking for funny, come back another day. Today is about as raw as a vegan buffet.

I wish my family (of origin) tree had bigger branches.

Like the angel oaks they have near Hilton Head. Those things are way more wide than they are tall.

I could use that kind of space from my peeps.

I've been studying love and boundaries and community. And every time I think that I can hit my stride, find security because of or in spite of my insecurities, I run smack dab into my family. I wrestle with do those things---love, boundaries, community--need to be something that I improve upon with members of my family?

And I wrestle even more with the fact that I don't want to even bother. The hurt, though mostly unintentional, is too deep. The amount that I feel that I need her is too little. The relationship I struggle with the most, is one that no matter how much I want to, I don't know that I will ever fully abandon.

So, in ture MH therapy fashion, I feel a list is in order.

1. I know that you love me the best way that you can.
2. I need for you to know that your best fell short of my need. It still does.
3. I know that you must feel this deep disconnect too. I know that it saddens you. In some ways, I almost enjoy that. Sick, I know.
4. But I work hard to not hurt you more. I know you are wounded yourself.
5. That is why I deliberately don't ask you or push you to do the work necessary to tear down the boundaries between us. Because the hard work would hurt you. And I won't even go to a place where I am hurt again.
6. I keep my distance because I am scared that I will be like the worst in you (as if the worst in me isn't scary enough); it feels safer for me--safer for preserving what is the better in me--to have boundaries between us.
7. I have hope. Despite what seems hopeless, I have hope. And know that I am loving you the best way that I can, but it will be from over here for awhile* still.

*awhile may end up being some sort of exponential dog years math

Confucious Say

2011-10-29T21:03:00.005-04:00

Little boy who does not comb hair and cooperate for last minute year book photo submission will have his insolence remembered for many generation.

Exhibit A*:

Exhibit B*:

*These are the actual photos that I submitted to our co-op yearbook. Serves them right. And I hope the nursing home they put me in isn't too bad.

Not Pretending

2011-10-28T08:53:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite things about not being in the "real world" is that I don't have to pretend as much.

I mean my filter was pretty much shot most days last year anyway, but I don't have to pretend to like a lot of people anymore.

(And to my church-y friends reading this, yes, I know I am supposed to love everyone, but I got to tell ya I STRUGGLE with that, even with the people I truly love and let live in my body.)

When I taught your children,well, maybe not your children, but that lady at Walmart's children, I really had to advocate for them. And I didn't always like them. Sometimes I really disliked them.

I saw a former student last night. And I totally ignored them. To be fair, at first I wasn't sure who it was. And I did teach a county over, so running into my old "kids" when I am with my real kids normally doesn't happen unless it is out shopping or something.

Queen Bee

2011-10-19T21:42:00.002-04:00

Part of our curriculum this year is Zoology, specifically creatures that fly.

So I was reading about honey bees the other night. After several minutes the boys picked up on the fact that male bees have a very short "useful" season. After they have done the deed, they are kicked out of the hive and they are not let back in. The chic bees do the rest--guard the hive, feed the larvae, feed the queen, gather the nectar, etc...

Both boys got a little indignant about the idea that there are "no dudes needed." And I got that, but I was trying to tell them that as a woman, who has sometimes been slighted or mistreated, just because of my femaleness, it was good for me to know that God values females, even in nature. Those momma bees have a hard job that the boy bees can't do.

This discussion is lost on them.

How can I tell?

Because Red blurts out, "We have to have women to do the dumb stuff, like laundry."

Hold the front door! I really don't know exactly what he said because the part of my brain that actually intercepts and understands words shut down while the part of my brain that kept me in my seat and kept me from coming over the table to throttle him took over.

I calmly replied, "Guess who just earned himself two loads of laundry...start to finish?"

McG actually went off on him some, and not just because it seemed like a good idea to do so if he wanted to have sex at any point in the remaining calendar month.

And yes, when he was folding it I might have let his sister go play on the bed so he had to start all over again.

McG and I are a little confused about where these sentiments came from. Have no doubt, that Red will be learning to do a lot of "dumb" jobs over the rest of the school year.

I guess he is getting old

2011-10-17T14:32:00.003-04:00

but, really?

BB's 9th birthday is fast approaching. He has asked me to make a dinosaur cake, complete with cake pops. How these design elements actually go together, I am not sure.

I was looking for ideas today and began a search for "dinosaur birthday cakes."

Imagine my surprise when this popped up

A birthday cake for "Emma"...complete with chocolate chest hair sprinkles.

what is even more disturbing is that the tag under it was "birthday cakes for men."

Let's not even go to the place where Tom Selleck is a dinosaur and a pink birthday cake with chest hair is being tagged for men. Men, named Emma, no less.

And, while this won't work for BB's birhtday, I am not ruling it out for mine.

My Mental State is not a News Flash...

2011-10-12T21:13:00.004-04:00

I am fairly used to people saying to me, "you're crazy". And the older I get, and the more I am learning about this Jesus that I'm-too-far-out-on-a-limb-not-to-follow I am taking the "crazy" thing as a compliment. An element of my very soul not to be chastened or managed or beaten into the submission of not-crazy.

So here's why I'm crazy now. Or why McGuyver and I are crazy now.

We have taken the first step to become foster parents.

That sounds more dramatic then it really is, but I know that it signifies that we are on the ride, seat belt clicked, hearing the chain catch and pull that little car to the top of the hill.

I have no clue what the ride looks like. None. But, we are not doing this completely blind. I've researched for a couple of years, really dug deep for the last several months. I've been reading. Been praying. But that is all I have, and it is past time to step out and do this.

I feel certain that there will be tears, fear, joy, screaming, vomitting,....ya know, all of the things that one normally finds on a roller coaster! I am certain that we will end up with more children in this process.

Which is crazy. More kids....not too many years ago my children kind of got on my nerves. There are some days, they still do. But I have such a desire for motherhood. That in and of itself is crazy. I mean my desire for motherhood is stronger than my desire for a pack of Marlboro 100's on most days. That is pretty strong!

Oh, and as some have already begun to point out, this is crazy because we 1-"need" a bigger house, 2-"need" a bigger car, 3-"need" more plastic stuff for our kids
I don't have an answer for that. Other than 1--bunk beds, 2-the van is smelly, yet driveable and seats 7 (two more people than we currently have), and 3- really??? if their lives are too good, they will never leave!!

So, although it is not news, I wanted you to hear it from me first. I am crazy. And I love it this way. It's good for you to have me in your circle. I'll be a great topic of conversation at parties.

Me Thinks...

2011-10-10T09:40:00.001-04:00

that I should invest in one of those arm band thingies for my ipod. Sticking it into a sweaty sports bra is probably not good for its longevity.

I Hate...

2011-10-04T21:14:00.002-04:00

I hate that some things work. It means that I will actually have to do them and if I don't I have no one to blame but me.

Here's my short list:

elbow grease.....and that little tooth brush will clean up most of the gunk I swear is there to stay

sit ups....currently committed to 100 a day

communication....still trying to avoid this one; there's too much talking involved

sleep.....I need to squeeze more in than just on Sunday afternoons

I Still Know How to Let it All Hang Out

2011-10-03T07:51:00.004-04:00

Maybe you've been worried about me for different reasons than normal. Maybe you've heard some of the angst in my voice.

Let me assure you that I still know how to have a good time and let it all hang out as evidenced by this picture:

I would like to be able to truthfully tell you that I outran the wild German Shepherds we encountered in the first cemetary. Or maybe that the serial killer we encountered in the last one nearly got us. The truth is that I was hopping a waist high fence to get closer to a monument (the gate wouldn't budge!) and didn't jump off far enough and my pants got stuck on a wrought iron spokey-thing. What is even more sad is that Thelma hoisted herself up on top of the same fence to look inside a defunct crypt with the finesse of a cat.

At least she had pants I could wear for the rest of the day. Which leads to me telling McGuyver that I dropped trou in a cemetery to change my pants. Good times, indeed.

Homeschool

2011-09-30T16:20:00.002-04:00

A lot of people ask me about homeschool. I trust that most of them are genuinely interested and not being judgemental. But hey, stick with what you know!

Here is the basic run down: It is hard! I'm-glad-I'm-not-an-alchoholic-hard. I-know-I-could-be-an-alchoholic-so-I'm-staying-away-from-booze-for-awhile-hard.

But I love it. I am seeing such good things in my boys already. (Pinky is another story entirely and mostly the reason why this thing is so hard right now).

The days for the boys:Our day begins, well, when it begins!
I tried hard in the beginning to have this schedule. But being able to loosen up has been a good thing. I don't think that I've looked at my schedule since the first week or two.

Our day ends, when it ends, or after lunch....whichever comes first! That's not entirely true, we do actually do some work on Saturdays because we play too much during the week. As we have gotten involved in more things, we are probably going to have to look at doing a full-schedule day on Friday instead of the 15 minutes we have been spending on just a spelling test.
Both boys have an assignment sheet to complete each day. If we worked on it straight through, it probably wouldn't take 2 or 3 hours. Red is my competitive one. He likes to begin on his list immediately and be done ASAP. BB needs to be threatened with no lunch to get started.

It has been super cool to see how my boys learn. Red has always had higher grades, but in a lot of ways BB is really more of the thinker.

What does it look like for me?
Did I mention that this is freakin' hard??? I think I am still coming to terms with my losses--I miss my classroom, I miss (most of) my students. I miss friends who were snarky, but sincere. I miss getting to be a bad-ass just a little bit. And yes, I almost called one of my kids a douche the other day. I miss having to use my filter 100% of the time! I miss the 20 minutes a day I could turn off the lights in my classroom and office and hide behind a locked door. I miss adults.

I also had to adjust to just being home. The first few weeks that the rest of the world started school (and we had already been doing school for 6 weeks) and I could hear the school buses as I sat on my back porch it made my brain stir. "Wait, I'm late!!" I would think. And to my "working" friends--I still get up early, but not at 4:45 anymore (more like a few minutes before 6)!

But I don't doubt. I KNOW this is right, but I honestly don't know all of the whys. And I'm okay with that. I have never been able to love my kids like this. I have never been able to love my husband like this. And I would be a fool to question the chance to get to do those things, those things that matter most, unbelievably stinkin' well.

But I could still use a margarita. or a corona (lime too, please). or a box of wine. I promise I will turn this into a science experiment. And of course, post pictures on Face Book.

Exposed

2011-09-29T13:54:00.002-04:00

So I've been a bit absentee. I realized why the other day. I feel exposed. Ok, duh, this is online and in theory any one could read it, but I never thought they would. And for that matter, what is up with people stalking on FB. Sure, I do that, but I have the decency to act surprised if you tell me something that I never commented on!!

So I've been at a loss for what to say. Or what not to say.

But guess what, its time to talk again!

So, I'll start today with AAGGGGHHHH.

How about a run down of a random selection of thoughts I've had this month.

1. I love homeschool BUT I fear that I'm really not good at it. If I were good at it, my 4 year old would already be reading and my boys would have cured cancer and the dog would finally be housebroken.

2. I am really finding a niche with other HS moms BUT some of them are absolutely freakin' nuts....ya know, like the rest of the world. But what scares me is that they are their kids world. Yikes!

So those are not fairly random or much of a run down, but you can kind of tell where my world is centered right now.

And now with more people reading....which i good BUT also unsettling, I don't quite know where to go.

So how about next time you see me, whisper the following code word...turquoise tamborines...and I'll know you're here.

I've Failed and She's a Whore

2011-09-15T16:48:00.003-04:00

So I have the first day of homeschool co-op* under my belt.

It was fairly cool. For the most part, my kids loved their classes (zoology, creative writing, math, geography, etc...). I had a blast teaching my class. I even managed to enjoy small talk in the "teacher's lounge".

For all of those positives though, I had a strak moment when I realized that I am an epic failure as a mother. Pinky can't color. I didn't realize that until I was helping in her class during the last hour of co-op. And it's not so much that she can't, but that maybe she won't. All the other little girls were coloring. In the lines. And liking it. And Pinky could have cared less. So now I am a homeschool mother, of a willfull, coloring-inept child.
If that doesn't get me kicked out, this surely will.

During my break, I struck up a conversation with another mother. She was very nice and made me feel welcome. As we chatted about our kids she mentioned that her kid hates history. That to me is like someone saying they hate clean air or doritos. I don't understand how one lives without history (or clean air or doritios). I told her that when I taught in the public school it was really easy to get kids interested in history--its just stories of people. Find something has to do with with sex or drugs or booze and the kids love it.

She looked worried and I should have stopped. But I couldn't help it, it's HISTORY.

So I gave her an example.

Me: You know, when I taught U.S. History, you could have started the statment, "And Alexander Hamilton's mother was a ________________" and the whole class would have chimed in "WHORE".

And the woman looked like she swallowed her tongue.

So I tried to make it better. I continued: Yeah, his mother was a whore so you would think that he would be sympathetic to "common" people, but really he favored more of an aristocracy. And then you tie that into his contemporary Thomas Jefferson, who was wealthy, but had compassion for the smaller farmers and ....then I just shut up.

I think she stopped breathing at "his mother was a whore".

AWESOME. DAY. really, it was

*For those who don't know homeschool lingo, co-op is when a group of families join together to pool teaching talent. We have about 75 families (with those families having anywhere from 1 to 7 kids). Once a week, for about the duration of a public school year, we meet at a large facility. The kids can take up to 3 classes. Parents have to help for 2 of the hours, in an area they are gifted in, and they get to network/socialize/sleep in a closet for the other hour. The kids have homework--ironic isn't it?-, science fairs, textbooks, etc...

"I threw up in my mouth"

2011-09-13T16:18:00.002-04:00

That was my answer.

"MH, how do you feel about the fellowship/social times I mentioned for the Bible study?"

Me: Well, to be honest. I threw up in my mouth a little when you said we were going to have them. I don't really like those kinds of things. I get that I'm not supposed to be a Lone Ranger Christian, but being around church stuff and church people makes me incredibly insecure.

(Side note: this took place in the ladies bathroom at church. I wish you could have seen the third ladies head snap back like a rubber band as she overheard.)

And it went on from there. I think maybe she got me a little, maybe even a lot. She certainly didn't act like I was too crazy.

I'm at a stage where I am having this combo of "I'm getting to old to keep playing this game" and "I'll let my junk spill out first so you'll feel better about yours."

It's pretty much a win-win for me and those around me. My ulcer lessons and they get a show. or free therapy. or they can leave thanking heaven they aren't as screwed up as that chic.

Tonight I'm feeling psychologically queasy again. I have my first homeschool co-op support meeting (Hey! that does sound like therapy!). I am more than a little uncomfortable.

Do I braid my hair?
throw on jeans instead of a skirt?
make up or no make up?
definitely no hair rollers, I don't want them to think I'm really a sister wife!

AAGGGHHH.

I think I'll just go in and find someone who looks as uncomfortable as I feel and tell her how nervous I am. At least it will make her feel better!

Smelly

2011-09-09T17:05:00.005-04:00

I am a Mom. That means that I smell stuff. Sometimes I am asked to, sometimes I just can't help myself.

"Honey does this shirt smell to bad to wear again?"

"Mom, is this milk still good?"

"Do you smell something burning?"

Or sometimes, like recently, I could smell pee in the bathroom, but refused to check the trash can. (and yes, someone had used it like a toilet, again!)

But then sometimes I smell stuff, just because my nosiness gets the better of my common sense or knowledge or hell, even direct instruction.

Is it really the kitchen sponge that smells that bad? Great googly moogly, gag me, YES!!

Is that chocolate in that kid's underwear or NOOO...use the toilet paper!!!!

That lunch meat looks a little green, could I pull it off as olive loaf? (sniff)...not likely

I realize that my life is like that too.

There are things that I just shouldn't go near. Touching, tasting, diving head long into whatever it is normally starts with a big ol' whiff.

And I end up gagging back down the road of "if only" one more time.

I think that people think if they get into a relationship with Jesus that there will be this whole list of things that you can't do ever again, much less "smell".

It's not like that.

While I am still far too comfortable circling and sniffing some pile of crap like a fly, I am realizing that the fences just go around the stuff that will only tear me down in the long run. I would jump right back into some really bad-for-me things and feel as good as a nacho in cheese dip for long enough to really, really mess what I've got going on up, which is why I should stay far enough away from those things so as to not even get a whiff.

So, I'm trying really hard to be over here, in the wide open pasture and staying away from the pit, which I'm sure smells great.

There is no Pixie Dust!

2011-09-06T16:45:00.002-04:00

For some strange reason, I've had people thinking lately that I have it all together.

Um, dude, you're nuts.

Big time nuts.

I am so far from having anything together.

I may or may not be tying my bra instead of hooking it because that is how not-together I am many, many (most) days.

For instance, today.

A day like any other, except I had lots of hope.

I was showered, dressed,read a couple of chapters of Agatha Chrisite, finished my Bible study and had done a minimum of exercise all prior to 9:00. This was going to be a great day.

The kids were up. Mostly cheerful. Got their jobs done. Started school. Finished school. This day was rocking. And I almost had myself fooled, that I had it all together!

Fast forward...
Got a baby migraine. Had to lay down for about an hour. Got up, kids were still great.

Fast forward....
I have now sent the kids outside to play. It has been thundering and lightening. I don't care. STAY OUTSIDE. The dog peed, a kid slipped, and I'm all "I TOLD YOU TO BE OUTSIDE!!"

I look like hell. The house is a WRECK. I have a plan for dinner, but have not started it.

There is no Pixie Dust on my life people. I'm as (un)together as the next person. I may have just mastered duct tape better than you. C'mon over, I'll show you how.

There's a Whale in There!!!

2011-09-02T17:13:00.002-04:00

Of all the things I could possibly do inside my children's head to screw them up down the line, I've decided that sex isn't going to be one of them.

I want them to know the facts.

I want them to understand the way their brain works in conjunction with their nether regions.

Hang onto your seat, but I actually want them to buy into NOT having sex until they get married. I know if you know me, or have known me for a LONG time, that probably just made you snort your drink through your nose, but I'm serious.

Part of that is an ongoing discussion. For whatever reason, I am the person who gets to field 98.3% of anything related to gender/anatomy/sex. Even before I was with them 98.3% of the time, I am the one who holds the keys to all mysteries.

I'm glad. That means that I am available to have conversations like this one that started in the parking lot of the vet's office with the question, "Mom, do dogs poop their babies out?"--

(about 3 minutes in and after transitioning from puppies to people) Son, girls actually have 3 "blow holes". And while we're at it--remember they're not called "blow holes". The baby comes out of the second one.

I'm not sure how much he really heard after "girls have 3"....he looked at me like I was an alien, and not a cool one you would hide in your closet and feed chocolate to.

(about 30 minutes and a couple of errands later, the younger brother explains something to the older one which prompts more questions)
"Mom, so the baby comes out of the ya know..."
Me: the ______,
Him: the blow hole,
Me: It is not a "blow hole", It is a VAGINA, say it va-gi-na (did I mention this is now happening in a parking lot)
Him: yeah, the vaginusus
Me: no, vagina VA-GI-NA...
Him: okay , yeah, yeah, Va-Gi-Na, I got it

By this point middle brother is covering his ears saying WE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW, over and over again and Pinky has her hands over her ears because someone is cutting the grass.

The lesson continued a little bit more and an enlightening time was had by all.

I may have to make vagina a blow hole spelling words next week though.

It Finally Happened

2011-08-31T15:16:00.002-04:00

Today it finally happened.

I had the thought.

I acted on it.

I thought I was ready. I thought I had practiced and prepared.

Apparently not.

I did not take a shower until a little before 3:00 this afternoon.

I'm not sick.

We have running water.

I just chose not to.

Why?

Because of the thought. Well, I'm not going anywhere today. It doesn't really matter.

Now, I'm not really freaking out about it. I was dressed by early morning. I did stuff all day long (taught order of operations, cursive, word problem math, vocabulary, did our read aloud, taught Pinky three new letters phonetically, did the dishes, ran on the treadmill, mowed some grass, etc...).

So now I'm up, showered and probably over dressed for the few errands I am going to run before church tonight.

I may need a few drive bys in the days ahead to be sure that I at least am up and dressed by 8:00. I can live with a late shower, but please don't let me end up being the homeschool mom in her jammies and cooking dinner!!

Art Class

2011-08-29T13:34:00.003-04:00

So far, one of the things that I like best about homeschooling is that I can teach my kids whatever I want.

Find a dead mole? Butcher that bad boy and call it science!

Find a dead bird? Get a stick, poke it, flip it, observe stuff, ask questions; call it science!

Eating breakfast? Have them read nutritional info, analyze it, etc... call it math and reading!

Fantastical.

So far one of the things that intimidates me about homeschooling is that I have to teach everything.

Today, I decided to do our first art project.

Paper Mache.

I did this once at some point in grades 6-8.

I looked up glue recipes today. Saved the paper yesteday. I was ready.
The one thing that I did not factor in is that my kids, even my oldest, are not in the 6th grade.

And the dog. I should have thought about that too.

I still have hope, a faint hope, that I am going to be able to magically transform 4 half paper mached balloons into something worthy of the Better Homes and Gardens cover for next month. I can visualize these things as pumpkins.

I think I need to factor in some disappointment.

At least we all have plenty to do for the rest of the afternoon. Even after showers and a bath, all three of my kids are still covered in the glue (me too!).

I don't remember it this way at all.

Good Egg-Bad Egg

2011-08-27T15:11:00.002-04:00

It's finally happened. I've cracked like an egg.

An egg I tell ya.

I have been with my little family--the 5 of us--for 2 solid weeks. Day in. Day out.

McGuyver and I always joke about living in a compound and being independently wealthy and being around each other 24/7. I think that is going to have to stay a fantasy.

I could probably deal with him, maybe.

But I got to have space.

Wide open space.

Like you find in the aisles of Target at 11:00 on a weekday.

I've finally cracked.

Post 401--a list

2011-08-25T21:01:00.002-04:00

So this is the post after my 400th. Here's a list of 40, recapping our recent 8 day, 2300 mile camping/family wedding extravaganza.

1. I take back everything ugly I ever said about West Virginia.
2. It is a beautiful place and I was just repeating stupid jokes I grew up listening to my dad tell.
3. I would muchly appreciate it if they could either tunnel through the mountains or flatten them for my next drive through.
4. Campgrounds are like a buffet for serial killers.
5. They get to choose from a RV, pop up camper or tent each night.
6. I could not pee in the middle of the night (my bladder is permanently preggo or something) for nights on end because I might be attacked.
7. I told my husband that people were all around our tent the first night in PA.
8. He laughed.
9. Until the skunk tried to get in our tent on night two.
10. Who's laughing now???
11. The skunk and me.
12. Okay, the skunk laughed then. I'm laughing now.
13. Then I was trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to get 5 people de-skunked in a pay shower with $1.25 in change and a quarter size drop of dish detergent.
14. And I wouldn't have been able to make any noise de-skunking them because 3am is in the middle of "hibernation" or quiet hours at a Yogi Bear campground.
15. Not that anyone but us followed that.
16. You know I'm kind of a rule follower.
17. But you'll be proud of me--I broke my rules of where it is "acceptable to pee on the road".
18. The boys helped by needing to be about 12 minutes into the trip and 50 miles from the first rest stop.
19. Nice. Off ramp, doors open, and "don't pee in the door pocket, you nimnut" here we come!!
20. We kind of fraked out about the kids messing up the truck a lot.
21. At the last minute, my FIL offered to let us borrow his nearly-new big pick up truck.
22. It is orange.
23. Which apparently some lady at a rest stop in OH liked. At least I'm hoping that's why she came running across the parking lot hooting and giving us the thumbs up.
24. Either that, or my ass is as fabulous as McGuyver thinks.
25. Even if that made you throw up in your mouth, don't do it in the truck!!
26. I thought that Brownie was going to hurl himself.
27. Turns out his car sickness is a real illness.
28. Turns out he and his sister respond incredibly well to dramamine.
29. Turns out his older brother needs a larger dose.
30. Red was not car sick, but there were a couple of times on this journey when we were "kid sick" and could have used a break!
31. We did break up the camping with a few days stop in MI.
32. My baby brother got married.
33. And we did NOT have to pay for the tuxes, as he had promised.
34. I'm still skeptical how they were paid for, but I didn't care at that point!
35. I was skeptical of the whole shin-dig really.
36. But overall, it went off really well.
37. I even have a picture of my dad, step-dad, and brother conversing.
38. And none of them had been drinking and there was no blood shed before, during, or after!
39. It was a good trip, where memories were made.
40. I'm crazy enough to do it again, minus the wedding!

A Kinder Cut

2011-08-13T20:29:00.001-04:00

When you love someone
And can no longer bear their faults
It would be kinder to hand them a mirror
Than to fling a sharp piece of glass

Did I Sign Up For This????

2011-08-10T08:44:00.003-04:00

So we leave soon for my little brother's wedding. UGH. I would be less than honest if I didn't just go ahead and admit it-----I AM PISSED.

In case you don't know this about me, I hate weddings. Hate them like sorority rush week. Hate them like going to Walmart. Hate them more than I hate the dentist and a pap smear on the same day.

But I'm not really pissed about going to his wedding. I mean, the goober is my baby brother after all. I think my being angry is really more about being nervous, maybe even out right anxious about this whole thing.

I mean, what's not to LOVE and feel completely secure about?
Any of these are good possibilities:

In an effort to save money, we are camping our way to Michigan. Camping--in a tent; communual bathrooms, yogi bear optional night tuck in.
Camping.
Me.
Madhatter.

Or maybe there's this gem.
This is going to be freaking expensive! And I am really having trouble with money right now. We've gone from having 5 digits before the decimal to closer to 3 and that is freaking me out. Have I told you that the tuxes (we need 3) are almost a mortgage payment!!!! (or that my little brother is a schmo for picking these out)
Freaking Out.
Me.
Madhatter.

It could be that I am a little anxious about my mother, father, step-mother, step-father, and aunts and uncles being together for a common cause for the first time ever/in years.
Family Drama.
Me.
Madhatter.

It could be that I am still a tad defensive being a new homeschooling mama about inevitable discussions that will take place during this freak-fest.
Insecure.
Me.
Madhatter.

I'm sure we'll survive. I'm certain God's grace is sufficient. And at the very least, I know they sell alchohol in the north (although I'm not certain about make-up and proper fitting under garments.). And if all else fails, you people will have more to read about then my current separation from Target.

Wish me luck. Pray. Know where the nearest Western Union is if I call!

Yard Sale

2011-08-08T09:35:00.002-04:00

I rigged up this yard sale at my church. Maybe "thrifting" is a spiritual gift not mentioned in the Bible. Yeah, that's it, right under sarcasm. I'll keep reading to see if those two magically appear.

Anyway, this is what I sent out the church peeps as a run down of how it went.

First, thank you!!! Thank you to those who donated goods and to the youth who helped set up and work the sale. We raised a little over $1100 for CAS youth and missions projects.
A Tangible Example of Grace....... The sale started at 4:30 on Friday, but at 3:30 there were already folks in the parking lot! I let them in early to beat the storm. We were slammed most of Friday afternoon and evening. By Saturday, we were tired! I could not imagine having to load up what was left and do something with it! At 10:00 I started telling everyone who came in, "It is all free. Take what you need or want. We want to be a blessing to you. If you would like to leave a donation, please do so on your way out." One woman asked how much we wanted for our last "big" item. I told her again, "It's free. It doesn't cost you anything. Take it." She began to cry, literally. "Tell me again, I don't understand what you mean." It dawned on me that this is so much like God's grace. It is ours for the taking, but so many of us leave it. We are confused, we want to know how we can buy it, or earn it--and we can't. It is already ours for the taking.

It continued like this for the last couple of hours of the sale. People needing to be told again, "It's all free." People began to leave $10 for an item that cost 50 cents. Or $20 for a few dollars worth of stuff. Some folks with tears in their eyes and a bag of clothes for their children in their arms offered a crumpled dollar or two. "Thank you. We need this so badly." they whispered on their way out. People leaving the sale began to ask those coming in, "Do you go to church here? What time does the service start? I have to come to this church." I must have explained to a dozen people what kind of church we are, what time the services start on Wedneday and Sunday, what are children's programs are like.

It was just a yard sale, but God was there. And it was cool.

This is pretty cool

2011-08-05T10:09:00.002-04:00

So we have started homeschool, or as Pinky calls it "homey school". We'll probably have to come up with our own gang sign if we continue to call it that. Of course, the only colors I'll be throwing are the ones I hoop into the washing machine.

We take Fridays off. There is a spelling test and then the chalkboard wall is erased and we play all day. Emphasis on play--try not to watch tv or melt our minds on the compter, but PLAY.

Today the kids have headed out to the fort. They locked the puppy inside so they could get a head start on the anklebiter. In hand there were sleeping bags, a slingshot, binoculars, and a walkie talkie. I have the other walkie talkie with instruction to "check in every ten minutes." I'll probably have to check every 5 because I let the puppy out and she can make it up the slide to them.

I wouldn't trade this for the world. Not even for 10 frivolous spending trips to Target in a month! Not even for 1,000 cases of pinot grigio! Not even for a really good boob job! (Okay, now we may be getting excessive).

BTW...Red aced the spelling test and BB only missed one word--macroscopic.

and, um.....remind me of days like this when I have locked myself into the bathroom with the bottle of wine and am willing to sell one of them to take a trip to Target

Mom-cation

2011-08-04T15:09:00.002-04:00

So I took a "mom-cation" last week. I headed to my home state where one of my aunt's still lives. She and the hubs have what is easily a 5,000 square foot house in a little cove of the beach. Very pretty, very nice. And I got my own-ish bathroom for a few days--sweet!!

When I crossed the state line into VA I had to stop and get out at the first rest area. We always did that when I was a kid....my dad would roll down the windows and "smell VA air." What I discovered through my own eyes as an adult is that the air in VA may be sweet but the rest areas are the pits and there are damn yankees all over the place in the summer!!

It wasn't all fun and games. If I had to give my mom-cation a rating I would give it an "ehh". A huge part of m ehh-ness about the whole thing probably comes from the life size dead Jesus and the boat ride on Friday night. There were also intermitent periods of weepiness, hypocrosy, and meloncholy--and not all on my part. But those are stories for another time.

Grinding Gears

2011-07-26T21:25:00.002-04:00

Today I felt like I was grinding my gears.

No forward motion and lots of screaching--at least inside my head.

I'm starting to get the hang of this, this being at home thing. I think I may be good at it. I think that I will have to take up smoking in the bathroom at odd intervals during the week so I don't get a gold star or anything.

McGuyver came home unexpectedly today. He left work about 10:00 and took the rest of the day off. He needed to. His work is hard and it eats at him.

But then, there he was, in the middle of "my" day. It would have been like he was sitting in the middle of my (old) classroom. It just kind of distracted me and knocked me off course and gave me way too much time to think and way too many funny feelings.

Who knew I could get so anal about my schedule in such a short period of time (I bet you did, didn't you?).

I took Pinky out to run a few errands so he could enjoy some peace in his own house (you don't get that much if you have kids) and I saw all of these "back to school" things. And that part of me that has jumped up, been ready, planned out my year and posters and lessons had to sit back down and check herself, because that is not my life anymore. And I am SO good with that. But it still feels weird. Like when you have something numbed at the dentist office.

So today I went between throwing a fabulous pity party and dancing a jig that I get to feather my nest 24/7. And not quite having time in any of the plan I had for the day to fully accomplish either of those. There is still some disequillibrium in brain which leaves me grinding my gears for sure.

I'm sure I'll be off to the races soon.

When Life Doesn't Suck

2011-07-20T20:52:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something that you know is going to suck? The kind of thing where you suck in your breath, squint your eyes together, white knuckle the table and nod to go ahead like the cowboy ready for the bull to be unpenned.

Maybe its your annual pap smear.

or teeth cleaning.

or looking at the car repair bill.

But what about when you gear yourself up for the inevitable suck, and it doesn't come?

I have a friend who has been able to go full time ministry in the last few weeks. This has been her heart's desire for years. And now that it's happened she can't believe how wonderful it is. I kind of get that--secretly wanting something for years and then getting it (maybe my aerobics instructor thing will work out too!!).

God is cool like that. I think that so many times I feel like the cowboy, tensing up for my 8 seconds--something I'm doing out of obedience or Providential call and then it ends up being just a beautiful ride that I was made for. Oh sure, at some point I'll bust my ass, but that's part of the journey too.

For now, I'm happy for my friend. I'm happy for myself. And I'm crazy joyful with my God.

Dating Vs. Marriage

2011-07-18T21:53:00.002-04:00

Because I am a genius, I convinced some friends at church to start a Babysitter's Club. Once a month, one couple will watch all of the kids while the other two couples get to go on a "date night". So far we've been so giddy with our freedom that we have respectively landed at Target, Walmart, Home Depot, a car lot, and tonight my sofa for our dream get-aways.

That part is really not so different from how it was when McGuyver and I were actually dating. I don't remember ever doing anything fancy-schmancy. And that was just fine with me.

The real difference between dating and marriage though is in how you eat. Or at least how I eat.

The whole time we were dating I didn't eat. One, I was a pickier eater and I didn't want to get something to eat and not like it. Two, eating leads to the bathroom and that was not going to happen. Three, eating costs money and in an effort to never ask for anything from anyone I would just not eat. Four, at some point in the evening there would be some hanky-panky and when you are dating that does not happen on a full stomach.

Now that we're/you're married you know that date night is different. You stuff your gut. I know I did tonight. And I feel like I am constantly struggling with my weight. So I've figured out the secret (me being a genius again!!)....I just need to eat like I'm on a date.

Confession

2011-07-16T20:35:00.002-04:00

I confess......

....that my children are driving me crazy.

.... and that makes me worried that you all are going to go "See, I knew she couldn't stay home with those kids all of the time.

....that I have slept in until (7:30) for the last two mornings.

....and that makes me feel like a huge, lazy schlep.

....that because I have now "friended" so many church people on Face Book that I feel like I have to be uber-sensitive about what I say.

....and that makes me wonder how authentic I am in any facet of my life.

.....that if you told me you would make sure my husband and children didn't find me for 10 minutes and handed me a pack of Marlboro 100s I would be off like a scout on a new route.

.....and that makes me wonder where the heck you are?????

I'm A Little Busy

2011-07-13T09:46:00.003-04:00

I thought I would be a posting machine once summer hit, but nah!!!

I'm always up to my eyeballs in something.

Just to give you an idea of all of the facets of my life that have taken a hit, I'm apparently growing a mustache.

I knew my eyebrows were like Mr. McGregor's garden, but apparently the tweezers have been AWOL from other parts of my face as well.

Red caught my profile at a stoplight yesterday and with a car full of kids to hear, shouted, "Mom, you're growing a mustache. And its dark and everything. That is SOOO cool!!! Guys, look at my mom's mustache!!" And on and on it went with all of them adding some key detail that left me in a pool of humble pudding my the time we reached our destination.

So today, I am taking 5 minutes out of my schedule for what is apparently some much needed grooming.

An email from my life

2011-06-28T19:34:00.002-04:00

This is my response to a friend asking me how I was doing.

Good!

Phoebe (Lady Phoebe Eugenia Blueberry Lee, the Puppy) is puney and pukey. Probably a combination of disemboweling a squirrel prior to surgery (who said I couldn't eat after 10 pm, huh mom???), snarfing down the babysitter's half of a PB sandwhich, and left over surgery drugs.

The kids are okay. I made them go to the library today (But, Mooooom, I don't even want a book...), to the discount breadstore (But, Moooom, I don't even like bread), and I made Red throw away Phoebe's uterus and ovaries* after he had showed his brother and dad because it couldn't stay in the fridge any longer (But, Mooooom, why can't we keep it in the freezer????).

So, my life is great! I am fulfilling my deepest wish to clean up dog puke and pee from all over my house and I get to think of and implement new ways to torment my children. Score and score!

I am making them go to bed (and take showers first, because I am pure evil). Then I am going to put binders together for VBS. Then I can par-tay like a rockstar for the next week.

Love you,
Mad Hatter

*Phoebe was spayed today. The vet gave us the option to come and watch. Red was gung-ho. I was not jazzed, but he needed a ride. I ended up sitting outside the doggy OR with my head between my knees, cold rag on my neck before it was over with. When he asked to take her "parts" home to show Brownie Bite, I figured what the hell?

*I did not take the parts out of the bag, even though the vet told me how to take them out and spread them apart to see all of them. Since we're not doing comparative anatomy in homeschool right now, waving a bloody baggy around was enough of a science class today.

I Just Don't Get It

2011-06-27T08:31:00.002-04:00

I try to let my freak flag fly pretty regularly on here. When I was younger (and more stupid), I thought there was beauty in being different or weird for the sake of being different and weird. I've since learned everyone is weird, the beauty is in being transparent in your weirdness so everyone can see that God will use any vessel you offer.

That being said, I still haven't kicked this "at least I'm not like that" attitude in the butt.

In fact, sometimes I revel in it. Thank you for making me "feel better"* about the fact that:
I don't poop around anyone,
I am in a constant search of how to make my breasts bigger without surgery,
I don't hit my kids, but they probably wish I did after their 30th lap around the yard,
I have a checklist of appropriate places to pee on road trips,
etc, etc.....

*(By "feel better" I mean regularly make jokes at my expense and tell me how nutso I am in a bless-your-heart kind of way.)

But since I try to let you all see right through me most of the time, you should know that there are some things about you all that I just don't get. You don't need to defend yourself or try to get me to get it. I just need to vent, so here goes....

Why do you insist on naming your kids with all the first letter name? Madeline, Matt, and Millroy; Sam, Sarah, and Seth. I don't get it!!! And don't look at me like I'm brain damaged when I can't keep them straight.

Why do you, as a grown person, have a collection of Madame Alexander dolls or egad, Precious Moment figurines?????

Why do you feel the need to use a toothpick in public and then let it hang out of your mouth for an hour? Would you floss at the table too????

Why do you believe that clear bra straps are acutally invisible? They are just clear and just as tacky hanging out.

There was a lot more bugging me, but I've lost it now (trying to remember too many same-letter kids' names at church yesterday!!). I'll go to Walmart really quick and it will all come back to me.....

Missing in Action

2011-06-22T21:14:00.002-04:00

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my white bra the most.

You thought that I was going to say my mind, didn't you??? I don't miss that at all, learning to compensate for that one, but I really need this bra!!

I'm still going through piles of stuff that just got put her or there with Heidi's arrival and departure (these events occurred 9 months apart, and I had to buy a white bra because I lost the first one during that time).

I know my undergarments are small (at least the tops!), but you would think that this would have turned up.

I'm to the point, where I am either going to start wearing my purple bra and just not care who sees it or I'm going to pick up some little bandaids--those would do the job too.

Wear and Tear

2011-06-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

This weekend we had a pool party for the girls at church because they won a contest.

The boys won the same contest the previous month and had a water party too (sans pool, add water guns and balloons)

The boys needed little catalyst from any adult to start pelting each other with water. The girls wanted us to play with them (Yeah, I'm a little youth leader...scary, huh?)

So at the pool party we had a homemade slip-n-slide. We had about a 25 foot long by 8 foot wide section of industrial plastic which we slathered with dishwashing soap and sprayed down with water.

The girls acted like they still didn't know what to do. Me being the sucker that I am decided to show them. BIG mistake. And then in an effort to avoid throwing myself down again and again, I loaded the girls up on innertubes and flung them by their feet or hands down the plastic. BIG mistake.

I can hardly move today. My belly meat is a little bruised, but my arms are killing me. I can't hook my bra without wincing.

I was going to try to throw my guy a little lovin' (i.e. no cost Father's Day present) but I feel like Estelle Getty shuffling around the bedroom. This is not good at all.

Love

2011-06-19T17:18:00.002-04:00

Love means doing little things.

Little things can mean a lot.

Love also means that you stand under a huge umbrella of forgiveness in day-to-day situations.

Which is why I did a little thing for my husband.

I cleaned the fish bowl.

BUT....then I realized that I could mess with him a little bit and be forgiven.

So I took a picture of the sparkly clean fish bowl with the fish in it next to a bottle of Mr. Clean. The caption was to say, "This IS how you clean it, right????"

Which would have been great....had I the skills to find the dadgum picture on the little memory thingy.

Love/Hate Relationship

2011-06-17T14:39:00.002-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with food.

Here's a great example:

I get stoked because I realize I've stayed busy and not even thought about my lunch warming in the over....I'm lovin' it!!!!!

I realize I'm not hungry and didn't think about lunch because I had 3/4 of a box of Mike and Ike's on the ride home from Hobby Lobby....I'm hatin' it!!!!!!

Damn sugar and my addiction to it!!

Vanilla is Not My Favorite Flavor

2011-06-14T15:03:00.003-04:00

So it occurs to me today that my children may be entirely too vanilla.

I normally keep the radio set to our one family station. Lately, I change it up a little. And then I normally rush to change it back because there is some junk on other stations.

Today though I found an oldie, but (kind of) a goodie. It took me all the way back to 8th grade. Ice, Ice Baby......That's right I was jamming out to Vanilla Ice with my kiddos in the car.

Red thought this was fantastic. Because he is still young enough to not think I am a dork 100% of the time, he was head bobbing right along with me.

Then he asks the question after quickly learning the tag line. "Mom, is this like rhyming music?"

Um....Yes, son. Rhyming music is called rap.

So, so vanilla. Even more so than Vanilla Ice.

What are you doing to be less vanilla in your neck of the woods?

Seat-Mate

2011-06-11T22:28:00.001-04:00

Because I am a teeny-tiny bit anal about air travel and punctuality separately, I manged to have Heidi, McGuyver, and myself arrive a full 3 hours before her plane left.

This gave us plenty of time to do last minute bonding and spend tons of money in the postage stamp size airport store.

In 23 minutes I had spent $86. To be fair, $55 was on Heidi's second bag. The rest was on 2 paperback novels, 1 magazine, 1 package of Starburst, and 1 small coke zero.

What it was not on was a Playboy or a Penthouse magazine.

They had those for sale 1 row up from Good Housekeeping. Can you imagine how uncomfortable, how outright ookie that would be to end up sitting on the plane next to the person who thought that was a must-have purchse?

This is why I don't fly.

De-Railed

2011-05-31T07:36:00.002-04:00

I feel like my life has been derailed. And it makes me all crazy inside. Not like that takes a lot.

I realize that this year has changed me. And not for the better.

And I feel like a BIG Loser for being so easily manipulated buy crappy situations. Of course, it has felt like a grassy hill being pelted by a waterfall all year. I guess I should have expected a few mudslides.

Oh, well.

One foot in front of the other should get me out of this mess.

The world according to Brownie Bite

2011-05-22T19:28:00.000-04:00

This kid is on a roll lately....

you know I haven't had a bathroom to get ready in in about 9 months.

my beauty routine has suffered.

some days, I don't put deodorant on at home.

i'm just that busy.

i keep a spare at work, so i can put some on there.

the other day, i got busy at work too.

by the time i got home, i had been hot.

and then i jumped on the trampoline with BB.

as we collapsed and he laid next to me he started sniffing me.

sniff...sniff
Mom, you smell.

sniff....sniff...sniff

Mom, you smell like a drunk hobo.

Nice.

Humble

2011-05-20T19:25:00.000-04:00

My children will definitely keep me humble next year.

All of my kiddos have brown eyes. I was looking into Pinky's eyes the other day and told her, "Your eyes look like chocolate."

Brownie Bite was near so I told him, "Your eyes look like coffee."

He grabbed my face and looked into my eyes and said, "Mom, your eyes look like poop."

Nice.

Baby Shower Gift

2011-05-16T19:12:00.002-04:00

I've decided on what my signature baby shower gift will be.

Sunglasses.

These could have many pruposes throughout the years.

In the early days of stupid-new-parenthood they can be used as eye protection for those too slow during baby boy diaper changes.

Once maternity leave is over, they can be used to hide your tired, puffy sleep-deprived eyes at work.

When you have a 3 year old ninja they can hide your black eye from curious neighbors.

When you have a 10 year old who tattles that the 8 year old just said "shit", they'll be handy then too.

Red came running into the backyard to tell me and McGuyver that Brownie Bite just said "shit". They were in the car with the neighbor boy at the time retrieving water guns from the Walmart super center that is my van.

We summoned BB via his brother. When he didn't appear to defend himself, we knew he was guilty.

We finally have him come to the backyard where we are lounging. And we have him tell his side.

He bursts into tears.

GUILTY.

I needed the sunglasses then because I hate to see that boy sob. He gets to me more than the others. He may have sensed I was going soft if he could have seen my eyes.

As he continues to tell his side, McG and I realize how sloppily he used the word.

We're both trying hard to be stern and parent-like.

I needed the sunglasses then to cover my eyes. If McG and eye had direct eye contact we both would have melted on the spot. All he said was "Shit" His brother would not quit squirting him with a water gun so he cussed at him.

Although we did not, we so badly wanted to instruct him on the correct way to use the word:
I'm tired of your shit.
Quit shooting at me, you piece of shit.
Oh, shit.

But not just the stand-alone word in that circumstance.

I needed the glasses this weekend.

A signature gift indeed.

The Naked Truth

2011-05-02T08:22:00.001-04:00

So we are heading into the last 5 weeks of having Heidi here. The truth is that I will be SUPER happy to have my house back. I will also be a little sad to see her go. Once again, if I had to do it over again, I would. But, I will be super DUPER happy to have my house back.

One of the things that is the hardest for me is the lack of privacy. In the back of my mind, I know that God has been gently and graually preparing me for living somewhere in the future without privation in sight.

Imagine all of the things you do in your house without clothes on or without a door locked. And now imagine not being able to do those for 9 months. That would get old. Especially is modesty is a scarce commodity the way it is at our house.

Apparently, the longer we are together Heidi feels no need to be as modest. As she gets more comfortable with us, the less she feels the need to wear clothes around the house.

In the last 3 days, she has dropped her pants in the kitchen (full of all of us) to show us her swollen knee. And she has come half naked into the den for me to put lotion on her back.

We all just kind of look at each other like, "What the?????"

Muh-ha-ha

2011-04-27T13:55:00.002-04:00

I really, really want to tell my boss what I think of him.

Really, Really, REALLY badly.

The problem is that I do want to be a professional, and I don't want to stoop to his level.

I have devised an evil little plan (nuh-ha-ha) that will let me say what I need to say but not get me in hot water.

Mostly, it involves 2 and 3 syllable words and very few pictures, so I'm pretty sure it will take him about 12 hours to figure it all out.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I feel better already.

Fabu(less)ass

2011-04-23T20:21:00.002-04:00

So my BFF has been losing weight like crazy. She's been doing one of these doctor weight loss things, using chemistry, will power and the lovely doctor to help her. She's lost 45 pounds or so since January. She looks fabulous, feels great, and I could not be happier for her.

The bonus is that I have lost weight too. I don't have someone to talk me into Hardee's or McDonalds in the mornings. I don't have somebody to cheat with me during lunch on crap from the vending machine. It's been a nice deal for me too.

I've lost about 15 pounds since last summer. I am toting less ass around, and I like that.

I'm always looking for good recipes to use to help me keep weight off and maybe get the rest of my family a little healthier too.

I saw this on the Food Network and tried it. It was FABULOUS!!!

(You know I don't use recipes, I just watched her do this and copied as I remembered)
Peanut Butter Banana Ice Cream
1. 4-6 bananas, cut into 1 inch chunks and frozen
2. take frozen banana chunks and put them in a food processor
3. pulsate for about 3 minutes or until you start to think, "Batballs!! That IS starting to look like icecream!"
4. add about 2 teaspoons of honey
5. pulsate again for about 30 seconds
6. add 2 heaping teaspoons of creamy PB, more if you like, none if you are allergic (duh!)
7. pulsate again for about a minute

Done.

You could probably get about 4-6 small servings out of this. (If you don't eat it out of the food processor bowl after your family turns up their noses at it)

You could get fancy and sprinkle each dish with a few peanuts and chocolate syrup.

It is fabulous. Really.

Jack and Jill...

2011-04-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

went up the hill, and Jill came down with duct tape.

McGuyver has had a hellish week. Not as hellish as the families of the 2 deceased and 1 attempted murder victim, but he's been a tish busy and sleep deprived.

We recently inherited/purchased some book cases from a friend who will be retiring and moving away.

I'm not showing them to you yet, because they really aren't me yet. I need a few minutes and some black paint still. They will get there. But I needed them to go ahead and be put there, by the fireplace. That meant I had to take apart and put back together all of the media stuff from the old bookcase to the newer bookcase. It's times like this when I swear that I will be happy with an etch-a-sketch and a viewmaster reel box for evah, just don't make me hook up cable, dvd players, music, Wii.

My friend Zoo Keeper could help Noah build the ark. She just built a murphy bed, and has remodeled her kitchen--and I don't mean she just hired a bunch of penises in carpenter belts--she did a lot of it. She has her own tools and stuff, and I'm betting that none of them are pink. She also has a basement and no permanent help under the age of 10. We both have our strong suits, but I wanted to channel hers very badly recently.

I didn't want to have to ask for McG's help with this bookcase thing. He's exhausted and I thought it would be nice if he could come home and plop down on the couch and see one less thing to do.

The problem was not with moving the furniture by myself. The kids are getting old enought to help and a little backstrain is easily cured by somem ibuprofen. The problem was the little convenient hole for cords in the bookcases wasn't so convenient. I was screwed when it came to reconnecting all of the media. Things were too high and too low all at the same time. It seemed like if that convenient little hole were larger or even somewhere even more convenient, this could still happen in the 20 minutes I had.

So I set out to make it bigger with this:

Yeah, um... there were a few problems, not the least of which was that I soon realized that 1- I would end up with a migraine from the noise and the vibration and 2- I would acutally have to moved the dvd player. I wasn't that big into it.

So then I got this out:

Behold, the miraculous Kreig Jig that was supposed to allow my husband to build anything I wanted. Apparently there was fine print about construction happening only on the third Thursday of any month that gas was below $3/gallon and in the same week all of my children will have to wear clean underwear everyday. Get real! That's a box of crap I plunked down $100 for. (I know honey, we need a shed. For MANY reasons)

Getting desperate, I remembered my secret stash of power.

Duh-duh.....

Problem solved (mostly) with some duct tape and a cleverly place power strip.

I cannot divulge more.

But just know that I am the silver ninja of womanhood!!!

I'll do your Color, but not a Blow Out

2011-04-13T21:34:00.004-04:00

Let me preface this by saying, Get your mind out of the gutter.

Out, now!

Give it a shower!!

Clean, yet?

Because I'm talking about this:

You may be thinking now that you wished I posted a pic something more Clinton-Lewiskyish.

I've combed and colored that thing, but I refused to blow dry it. I do have my limits.

Clearly they are few and far between, but they do exist!

(That is Heidi's hair peice. Totally unnecessary but completely fashionable???? The last time I colored her hair she had me do the squirrel too. Please write your congress person and insist that I deserve more than a $50/month tax credit for this gig.)

Re-Thinking

2011-04-06T18:27:00.004-04:00

So I am thinking that maybe I need to be a tad more vigilent.

I am beginning to worry a little about Brownie Bite. He is his father. Which means that a dirty little old man most likely lives inside his head and may give input to any conversation at any time. I may have to hogtie that little old man before this is over with. The other day Red took a hit to the groin. If you have ever been around any males ever, you know this appears to be a huge deal. Quite possibly more an an ordeal than bleeding like a stuck pig every month, having an alien live in your body for 9 months and then feeding said alien with things attached to your body for 12 or more months. Yeah, ball shots are the worst.

Anyway, I told Red just to shake it off. He legitimately ask, "How do I shake off my nuts?"BB, who never hears me call him for dinner, appeared out of nowhere to give a demo. At least he kept his clothes on.

This afternoon he is playing with the other kids. He repeats something he has heard from somewhere (the internet, cable tv, who knows; this is the part I may need to rethink--he may need to be in lockdown 24/7) He blurts out, "Suck these furry squirrel nuts." Are you kidding me?

Kid repeated the things you hope they never hear, usually not quite knowing what they are saying.

I just thought of the most genius punishment ever. Ready? Everytime he says something more crude than funny or socially acceptable I am going to make him sit down and read the birds & bees book that made him naseous! It will be like that punk in A Clockwork Orange. He'll never be able to say sass, rude things again!!

I Know Why Teachers Drink...

2011-03-30T19:24:00.002-04:00

Teachers drink because.....

the antacid tablets go down better that way.

we can't figure out how to help you get your kid to do his homework if you can't even get him to come home.

despite how fabulous some of us look in tights, this super hero gig gets old fast.

you won't let us smoke in the teacher's lounge anymore and you only think that's black coffee in our mug.

the toxic mold from the carpet and the asbestos in the ceiling tiles has eroded our judgement.

after seeing so many kids rubbing/sucking so many parts off each other in a day, it helps quell the queeziness.

90% of the schmucks who are in charge of us, couldn't teach their way out of a paper bag or locker room but yet they get to pee whenever they want to.

it makes your kid's essay less sad and more funny.

while alchoholism is no joke, rehab is covered under our insurance plan!

Not Dead

2011-03-28T20:01:00.002-04:00

So I am not dead, although my chldren are repeatedly making efforts to make that happen.

I think in the last 2 weeks my boys have realized a few things:
1--McGuyver and I are outnumbered. They know we are playing a zone defense. If we so much as say "huh?" one or both of those boys is going to eat us alive.

2--McGuyver and I are tired at the end of the day. Damn tired. Dead dog damn tired. They tend to be worse then.

3--They have learned that they can always narc each other out, but that they can get away with more if they work in tandem.

Here's what they don't know:

1--I am becoming less opposed to hitting children. I am tired of creative punishments. I'm just ready to kick some ass.

2--They are about to be on 24/7 observation in a little twist of fate we are calling "homeschool". There won't be any need to narc or any reason to make deals with your brother, mom will know everything.

This year cannot get over fast enough!

Stinky Cheese

2011-03-14T20:53:00.002-04:00

I made a $10.00 mistake the other night. I was trying to buy Feta cheese cheaply. I succeeded at one of those two tasks. I bought Feta cheese. It was not cheap.

I THOUGHT the price tag read $3.99 for a block. I THOUGHT I was getting a deal. The crumbled stuff in tubs were between $5-7. It made sense to me that the block would be cheaper, because I would be doing the work.

When I got home and unwrapped the cheese, I was able to really see the price tag--$13.99. DOH!!! Fortunately, with all of my couponing and newly aquired OCD grocery shopping tendencies, the extra 10 bucks was not a bank buster, but it did make me mad at myself.

Anyway I crumbled the cheese myself and easily got 2 tubs worth. I guess I did get my money's worth.

But the cheese almost made me gag. I like funky things. I like tasting things that are pungent. Things that I swirl around my mouth and go, "Oh, yeah. No one is going to want to come in here for awhile." But this cheese smelled like gangrene feet!!

Upon further inspection of the package (have grocery stores always been this poorly lit or am I still functioning at far below 100 percent???) I realized that I paid $13.99 for organic goat feta cheese imported from Greece!

Those goats must make funkier fumunda cheese in Greece than we do here. Thankfully, the cheese has mellowed and I have enjoyed many a feta-filled salad.

And now I have written a post on cheese. Really?

Thankful List

2011-03-09T20:18:00.000-05:00

4. I'm thankful for realy doctors, when you need them not just shmoes who are PhD's and insist on being called "Dr."

But maybe I'm just angry about work again.......hard to tell. I'll blame it on the antibiotics.

Exempt

2011-03-07T19:52:00.004-05:00

So I've recently had a bought with a staph infection. We were worried for a few days that it was big, bad MRSA; but turns out just community staph that whooped on me and my already damaged immune system. 40 days of antibiotics prescribed after I finish the 10 days of them at quadruple strength, a minor surgical procedure, many gauze bandages, and I've managed to avoid surgery.

I totally relied on God to heal me. I mean, yeah I went to the doc and took the medicine. Because if God wanted a snake bite or moonshine to heal me then he would have sent the snake and Jim Bobby Backwoods to med school and a nice residency program. But this was a God-thing.

And I was willing to go through something sucky. I had the feeling from about day 2 of the onset of the infection this was going to be a sucky, sucky thing.

I tell people all of the time that being a Christian is not a free pass; your life will be hard at times. But what if its hard all of the time?

I just finished zooming through a 365 day devotional called Voice of the Martyrs in about 26 days. It is about people who have suffered, some died, and some died horribly well for the faith. It has shaken me to the core. And on day 3 of staph-a-palooza, when my hypochondriac-self was convinced that I was really dying and I was in more pain than I have been in, even in labor, I begin to think about that book again.

I realized that until this infection, I have been living my life reminding God of my exempt card.
You know...I'm exempt.

Because I was molested and raped....I'm exempt.
Because I don't feel like I belong with 95% of my family....I'm exempt.
Because I was the poor kid and the fat kid...I'm exempt.
Because I help people out....I'm exempt.

I realized that in my heart I have been saying, "So, God, you know that because I've already been through so many sucky things and am still willing to call myself a Christian and follow you that means I'm exempt from the things that I fear the most: cancer, being paralyzed, being trapped underwater in a car and having to choose which child to save (what??? you don't think about those things??)."

But, when things have been the suckiest, that is where I have learned the most from God. As much as I want to be exempt from pain, unpleasantness, and having to live somewhere without plumbing on the mission field; I simply can't be. And deep down in the greenest and most lush places of my understanding and my soul, I am thankful for all I have learned and all that God has been able to do through those experiences. If I were exempt from those I would miss out on so, so much.

You can't get something for nothing.

Up to Date

2011-03-04T19:03:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth. If life is an ocean, my dingy has gotten knocked about a lot recently. Don't worry, I'm still bailing water and hanging on.

If my life were a newscasts, here would be the lead-in blurbs from the last few weeks

...Tonight, Madhatter will be beginning a series on how to raise man-whores....Red took a bottle of Axe and doused himself and used it as a defense weapong while playing with friends

....Tune in next time as Madhatter will talk about how to recognize signs of gender confusion in your toddler....she says, I knew something was afoot when I found the 3 year old sister, facing the toilet, straddling the seat, trying to pee like her brother

....Madhatter battles some of the most unpleasant medical ailments know to man and the CDC...strep throat, sinus and ear infection--Week 1; flu--Week 2; Week 3 reprieve; Week 4-MRSA staph infection requiring so far a 12 inch needle, scalpel, packing/drainage devices and a surgical consult first thing in the week

How about you? What's new?

A Different Approach

2011-02-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

I have been wigging out lately. Mostly a psychosis of my own making, but it has to end.

During November, ZK wrote about all of the things that she was thankful for. I thought I would give that a try.

So let's focus on some things that I am super-thankful for and push the anxiety way back down.

I'm Thankful for.....

1. a husband who tries really, really hard to hold down the fort whenever I have to crawl away due to flu/emotional overload/etc....

2. being really, really needed at my house

3. for having the option to not work-for-pay anymore (makes me sound like I'm giving up hooking or something!)

4. amazing friends

5. God, totally has to make the top 10! (And if I weren't currently hiding from him in a very Eve-in-the-garden mindset right now I probably would have that higher)

Maybe this will work....

Above This

2011-02-12T16:45:00.002-05:00

So on this journey of self-discovery called life I am constantly learning all kinds of thing about myself. None of them very good.

(Now, don't think I'm beating myself up too much, its all really well deserved)

I think that one of the HUGE lessons God is teaching me is about humility.

I would never describe myself as humble. I do not believe that I'm completely narcissistic either. HOWEVER......

in my recent bout with the flu, PRIOR to the codene induced hallucinations, I told McGuyver that I couldn't have the flu because it was a wuss' disease.

That's right.....the flu is for you commoners, not royalty like m'lady.

And probably about as soon as I quit making that my hill to die on I'll begin to feel better.

Send soup. I'll be here awhile.

BFF

2011-02-01T20:41:00.002-05:00

So, I have a BFF. Or as McGuyver likes to say about his BFF..."he's my man and your my lady". So I guess Thelma's my man, or I'm her man, or does that make me her lady????? I don't know. But being my BFF has got to be a tough job. Just look at the crazy email I just sent her.

So I lost almost all of my planning today (and all of my lunch) in a parent conference.

Which meant I couldn't work on this stupid lesson for tomorrow.

Which turned out to be a good thing.

Because when I got the chance to start looking for more pictures to use tomorrow I stumbled upon a virus.

My computer is fried, at least temporarily.

Can't use the internet. or email. or show a power point. or check the weather. or enter grades. or print out progress reports.

REALLY?????????

So I am working at home now.

I will have a lesson.

And if they don't like it, I have several areas of my body they could kiss.

This dry air is killer on my skin, so a good sloppy kiss would probably be almost medicinal.

So, it's almost like my doctor told them to kiss my ass.

Yeah, that's right grant people, I have a DOCTOR's NOTE that says "kiss my ass" (as needed; two refills with prior authorization)

So, I will need to ride together in the morning. So I can vent a little more. I promise not to show you my doctor's note. Or any part of my body for that matter.

This is not a put on. This is totally just me being me and her having to deal with me. McGuyver gets a lot of this too, but I also expect him to take out the trash and deal with things that go bump in the night. Please send both Thelma and McGuyver chocolate and alchohol in the very near future. They deserve it.

Oh, and please tell the IT guy not to be snitty or superior when he comes to fix my work computer. I know that he will get it fixed, but if he gets that attitude like I'm stupid, I'm going to have to show him my doctor's note.

Wash With Like Colors

2011-01-31T17:26:00.003-05:00

As comfortable as I am getting in my skin, there are still situations that make me shrink like a wool sweater in a washing machine. And instead of skin I'm comfortable in, I'm left with something mis-shapen, itchy and too small to ever cover my ass adequately.

We were at a dinner party the other night and it happened. I could see my reflection in the glass change throughout the evening. I let myself get spoken over, didn't say what I wanted to, said things just to be heard, and left feeling more drained than having my batteries recharged.

Now one of the dinner guests was my long-time high school boyfriend. Who I decided I should marry when I was 15. We would honey-moon at Disney and I already planned to forgive him for at least two affairs. So, it's easy to see why I may have been uncomfortable there. But I do it when its just girlfriends, I do it with groups of friends I am really comfortable with, I do it at Thanksgiving dinner!!

How do those of you who seem to float effortlessly through social life do this?

Surprise! Surprise!

2011-01-20T20:07:00.000-05:00

So I heard about a fabulous opportunity to do a spectacular surprise for my sweet hubby.

It involved.....
an apron
stillettos
strands and strands of pearls
a ladle
and.........

a red tutu.

Any clues??????

Rocked Me All Night Long

2011-01-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

This summer McGuyver and I took a little trip, with no kids.

One of our nights away has to be ranked in the 3 best nights of my life.

I don't know what the other 2 were, but this one involved a bottle of wine (just for me), an entire bag of Honey BBQ frito twists and the phrase "we don't even have to have sex". It was fab-u-lous.

I am mourning those fritos right now as I am in this hellish sugar detox I'm putting myself through.

Grrrrr....

Better (a list)

2011-01-17T21:38:00.001-05:00

Thought I would make a list of the top ways that I think homeschooling will be better than what we are doing now....

1. It is my hope and prayer after spending my entire Saturday de-lousing my youngest (and at least an hour a day for the next week nit-picking her head) that my children NEVER get lice again. My middle kid brought it home from swapping hats the last days of kindergarten and now I'm certain Pinky picked it up at daycare. Ugh!

2. No more comparing what's in the next kid's lunch box. or on their feet, etc..

3. Reading in your underwear.

4. No more homework battles.

5. No more 5 am alarm clock.

Does This Family Make My Butt Look Big???

2011-01-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

Umm....Yes, yes it does.

But the upside of vacationing in a winter wonderland is that you can unashamedly push your children down a hill into a (frozen) lake all in the name of fun!

Things I would Not Rock* At--a list

2011-01-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

*a.k.a. Things I would totally suck at...

*Being a model. Cottage cheese thighs aside, I hate changing clothes and my eyes totally give me away. I could never take a gazillion pictures and have that blank stare or cute puppy look.

*Being Amish. I'm pretty sure I couldn't pedal the stationary bike long enough to make enough electricity to get all of my reality tv shows.

*Being a hooker. I so do not have this in me. Although it seemed like a good idea after about the tenth time I watched the movie "Pretty Woman".

That's really all I can think of. My life is changing more than I ever expected it to--I have sea monkeys (or as I call them "the swimming jimmies") on my kitchen counter!!!--so I am learning to never say never, unless ofcourse it is to being an Amish hooker model!

The Truth

2011-01-02T15:26:00.000-05:00

The truth is I'm scared.

I have been so excited about the changes we are making (my "retirement", our homeschooling adventure, tweaking our floor plan a tish, entertaining the idea of being foster parents) that I have been pushing the fear aside.

I ran the numbers again this morning. We can do this. It will be a conscious choice we make with every purchase. Every dollar that comes in has a name on it.

But I'm scared.

Mostly about silly stuff.

What if I never have a "nice" house?
What if I can't go out to dinner every once in awhile?
What if I start to wear braids and a denim skirt all of the time?

And then I realize, I'm worried about the stuff that matters the least.

Sure in the scheme of things, me being able to still buy the makeup I like and McG being able to have a beer more often than every solstice are important things, but they are not the most important.

But I just needed you to know that I am scared. And excited. And I'm ready. I think.

Bookends of Shame

2010-12-31T15:15:00.003-05:00

So the utter disappointment that is the gift giving extravaganza we call Chistmas has come and gone (an I should write chapters on how much our family practices WILL be changing after this year!!). In honor of new-found elastic in my big girl undies I decided to return two gifts that I really didn't care for.

I had to go to the mall to do the exchange. If you haven't been, its like hell only with soft pretzels and fountain drinks.

While waiting in line I got stuck smack dab between 2 experiences that will forever be called the "bookends of shame".

Bookend 1: To my left was a lady getting measured for a bra in the middle of the store on the busiest return day of the year. How badly must you be unsatisfied with your current lingerie if this is your most pressing issue on this day?

Bookend 2: The lady behind me was apparently exchanging underwear. I know this because the new sales lady screamed from the counter, "Are you the gal exchaning the panties????" Double-ewww the "p" word and the word "gal". I still shudder.

Recovering from my year-end neurosis,
MH

A Tradition

2010-12-12T18:58:00.002-05:00

So some of you have asked about Hana-mas. I thought that I had explained this before, but I have been none to have one or three hundred conversations that take place only in the confines of my head.

Here's what it is.

McGuyver and I are like little kids about Christmas. And probably because we were little kids when we got married, we started a very child like tradition that continues to this very day.

We celebrate Hana-mas. In the Jewish celebration of Hannukah there are 8 nights of exchanging small gifts. Of course we have whacked out Jesus' big day with all the gifts, so McG and I came up with a combo of the two that works for us.

Here's how it works: Choose how many nights of Hana-mas you will have. This year we have 4. That means that we will exchange one gift approximately every 6 days and save the last one for Christmas Day. We've had as few as 2 and as many as 6. We try to come up with themes each year and sometimes dollar amounts. McGuyver NEVER sticks to the dollar amount. This year he didn't stick to the themes either, but I can't fault him because I can only remember 3 of the 4 myself. (kitchen, hobby, potpurri, and ??????)

And there is Hana-mas.

P.S. Do NOT tell your kids about it. They will RUIN it. That is why we are saving one last gift for Christmas Day so they don't ask questions!!

Jesus' Ninjas: The Three Wise Men

2010-12-03T19:50:00.003-05:00

I love this time of year.

As opposed as I am to the commercialism and all that rot, I love anything sparkly or twinkly. I'm a fish, I know.

One of the things that I also love is my manger scene.

I put it out every year. And at night it comes to life!!

How do I know? Because in the morning, the shepherds have moved the flock, there was once a disturbing incident with the drummer boy and a camel and the wise men are doing matrix-style acrobatics.

Surely my children do not play with the nativity scene. I know the truth, the wise men are really ninjas.

Martha Stewart and the Cruise Director

2010-11-28T11:36:00.002-05:00

So Mr. Man and his Mrs. have been in the backyard since Tuesday. Well, she got out of jail on Wed., so at some point on Wed she moved in (to the tent).

They declined to come to Thanksgiving at McGuyver's parents. And can I tell you that really relieved me? Crazy? Rude? Normal????? (Mr. Man did eat a plate of leftovers in our kitchen Thursday night, but the Mrs. was already nighty-night in the tent)

They did have dinner with us on Friday in our future dining room. For those of you who don't know, the "future dining room" is my front porch. We added a table and chairs months ago and when it is nice we dine outside. I realized I probably sounded like an ass when I apologized for the array of food. I treated them just like I do all of our friends when they eat over--I ran around filling drinks, offering seconds, etc....

Anywho, it got cold the last few days. So Saturday morning I see them sitting freezing by the fire pit. You would think that homeless people would be better at building a fire, wouldn't you?

So I decide to take them breakfast. I made grits--with cheddar and cream cheese, toast, coffee (one with whipped cream and one with cream and sugar), orange juice, toast...on a snow man tray! It dawned on me as I said good morning in my best "You're not really homeless people in my backyard, this is an out-of-the-way B&B" voice that it was official.... I am the Martha Stewart of the homeless scene.

And that is strange. You can agree with me at any point here.

Later in the day, the kids went in the backyard to play. I was running back and forth trying to make dinner. I looked out the window at one point and see BB out there, playing with the Mrs. He has her up and playing badmitton--which ironically she was pretty good at. I guess it makes sense for Marhta's son to be the Cruise (Activities) Director for the homeless.

Postscript: Mr. & Mrs. will be leaving first thing on Monday morning.

An Anniversary of Sorts

2010-11-24T06:16:00.002-05:00

So this Friday makes one year. One year since McG and I have been intentional about helping the homeless in our area.

It started the day after Thanksgiving. We took the kids bowling and then to pizza hut. On the way home, we passed by a park. I could see two men sitting kind of slumped on a bench in the middle of the park. I told McG and the kids, "Those men need this leftover pizza more than we do."

McG whipped the car around. I rummaged between the seats for some bottles of water (one of the benefits of having EVERYTHING in your car!) and we parked. The kids and I waited while McGuyver went to deliver the goods.

He came back with a list of needs. I remember that coats were on them.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year we collected items. We started making homeless packs--gallon size bags filled with underware, socks, nonperishable food, a small Bible, pens, cough drops, etc... On Christmas Day (with McG sick in bed on the verge of death with pneumonia) we had about 10 people descend on our house. Those 10 people helped me make hot plates of Christmas dinner and they set off to squatters camps around town.

Throughout the year we have continued to seek people out. And when we have gotten tired, God has put them smack dab in front of us.

Or as is the case now, smack dab behind us.

In our backyard.

About a month ago we met him. There's a her too, but she is not with us right now.

For more than the last week another friend, who AMAZES me, has had them in her backyard.

Now its our turn.

And I have to be honest. I feel crazy stupid. Who lets homeless people camp in their backyard?????

But why shouldn't I? (For those of you who are worry warts, background checks have been run....one of the benefits of McG's job)

I've never done this before. This is different than taking shoe orders or finding someone a coat or stopping on the street to give the guy pushing the shopping cart a cold soda and bag of food for the next few days.

There are a few people who know that we are doing this. Those who don't think we're nuts, think that we're "angels"---ummmm, hardly. Way, hardly. Mostly, I'm just bumbling along and praying lots.

I do know this. This is totally shaping my kids. Pinky went up to Mr. Man yesterday. He and I were talking about him moving to the back and how long they could stay. Pinky interrupted me and said with eyes as big as the full moon, "Mr. Man! Mr. Man! You get to come camping in our back yard. And you can use my princess sleeping bag if you want to, ok?"

Mr. Man and I both had to stop for a minute.

And that's what I am trying to remember. In the span of my life, then next few days are only a minute. Only a minute. I am not naive enough to think that this minute will change Mr. Man's life. It may give him a few more days of not having to sleep with one eye open, but at the end of it, he'll still be homeless. But at the end of this minute, how will others be changed?

A Punch in the Gut

2010-11-19T19:22:00.002-05:00

So, its official, although not wide-spread news......we are homeschooling next year. And when I say "we", I mean that I will shelve my certificate (its good 'til 2017), leave the public school classroom and homeschool our own 3 rugrats.

I am really so stinkin' excited I can't stand it. And I am super blessed/less-stressed because McGuyver is totally on board and my BFF could not be more supportive.

I know there are people who won't get it. I have had 2 days back-to-back of people smacking my ideas around. And for the record, as hokey as it may sound to some, this really isn't my idea. It's a God thing all the way.

Its not (necessarily) about any of these things....
It's not about public school being horrible (but in some places it is).
It's not about public school not being good (in some places they are).
It's not really about not liking my school anymore (although a tough year has given me a very clear perspective).
It's not about Red being super influenced by everything he encounters, BB hating school, or about Pinky crying at least twice a week about mommy going to work (but those things do make for a tish of stress)
It's not about thinking that I have this all figured out (because I SOOO don't).

I know that there will be all kinds of back and forth in the months to come. In the end, it comes down to me being obedient (oh, that word used to make me choke) to what I truly feel the will of God is for our family. It's about what McGuyver and I think is best for our kiddos. It's about one heck of an adventure.

So, despite being punched in the gut by same poopy-heads, I am still amped up.

It's not necessarily about...
A new trampoline being a part of our phys. ed curriculum (but that is AWESOME)
Less pressure in the mornings (but that will be wonderful)
Being more available to my family (but anything more than the 10% I can ration out to them now has got to be a good thing)
Being able to invest in more of the good works that are everywhere for us to pitch in with

Its all of it together...and I can't wait.

Be happy for me!(or else when I have more time next year, your yard will get forked while you are at work and I'll call it an "art project")

A Quiz

2010-11-14T21:09:00.002-05:00

So it has been decided.....The big news.....

I thought it may be more fun to spill this in a quiz form.

1. This school year has __________________
A. sucked giant hairy donkey balls.
B. opened my eyes to what a corrupt public school system we have.
C. made me totally re-evaluate what is important.
D. all of the above.

2. Next school year ______________________
A. I will become a unicorn farmer.
B. school will take place around my kitchen table.
C. the only ass I have to kiss is one I don't really mind kissing.
D. Please, please be only B, because C just made some of you a little queasy.

3. Which of the following will I need to stock up on beginning May 28, 2011?
A. sister wives
B. long denim skirts
C. a full size van
D. wine and spirits

A Game

2010-11-08T20:42:00.003-05:00

Below are some pics (befores/afters) from the last peach cobbler I made.

You know when you live with someone for a long time you learn what makes them tick. If you are clever and a bit sadistic, you can use this for your unending amusement.

I have a game that I play with myself and McGuyver is the pawn.

It's called "Straight Edge".

McGuyver is a very orderly person. Except for his dresser and his sock drawer and my car (which is somehow how his fault).

Never is McGuvyer's OCD tendency more present than when I move furniture at an angle or when we eat cobbler.

McG has to leave any food cut at right angles. I like to mess with him. I will walk by and swipe small bites of the dish. He will come behind me and completely neaten up (and eat) until there is a perfect right angle again.

Its hell on our diet, but I have so much fun its ridiculous.